Since Christopher Columbus shocked the world more than 500 years ago by proclaiming that the earth was round, man has been nothing short of obsessed with circumnavigating this unforgiving sphere. The best Columbus could do was stumble into North America and wipe out two-thirds of the indigenous population with smallpox. Good old Ferdinand Magellan gave it another go in 1519, but a well-placed arrow stopped him somewhere in the Philippines. And then there was Amelia Earhart ... we're still waiting on that one.
So who will we look to in the new millennium to complete the journey that so many have undertaken and failed? Enter Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman, the UK's version of Matt and Ben. In April 2004, these fun-loving Brits hit the open road to do what could not be accomplished by air or sea, with nothing but "two men, two bikes and 20,000 miles." And, lucky us, they caught it all on tape!
Historically, this sounds just ducky, but from an entertainment standpoint, Bravo's new series is maddeningly mundane. As networks scramble to find programming that will win them the coveted Thursday night slot, it's truly pathetic that the best Bravo can do is a "Road Rules" knock-off that's about as interesting as its numerical tagline suggests. As "Motorcycle Diaries" evidences, if you're going to do a road trip story, you had better do it right.
The main characters are likeable enough to hook a relatively large audience, making it even more astounding that Bravo managed to botch things up. Ewan McGregor, the charismatic Scotsman who possesses a talent that transcends his mainstream Obi-Wan persona, is as charming on the small screen as on the big one. Viewers are immediately drawn to the easy humor and naturally outgoing personality that they know and love from movies like "Moulin Rouge" (2001) and "Big Fish" (2003).
And let's face it, the fact that McGregor is quickly becoming one of Hollywood's newest "It" guys is a huge plus. If it weren't for his name attached to this project, "Long Way Round" would be on an even faster track to nowhere. As for faithful sidekick Charley Boorman, well, the most notable entry on his r?©sum?© before this show was that he played an unnamed character in the hick flick "Deliverance." He might play the loud, crass, rebellious wingman to a T, but it's a no small wonder that this actor had time to go globe-trotting with his mate.
Dynamic duo aside, this show was already inherently flawed when it was still just a twinkle in series creator McGregor's eye. The road trip saga has been done so close to death that there's hardly any point in trying to put an original spin on it. The "Long Way Round" crew should have embraced the clich?©-ness of their story with an "if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em" attitude, but series producers David Alexanian and Russ Malkin stubbornly tried to break with tradition.
The result is reality TV-meets-"On the Road" in a head-on collision that leaves no survivors. Splicing sloppy camerawork reminiscent of "The Blair Witch Project" with truly uninteresting plotlines, Alexanian and Malkin ensure that "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" will enjoy at least one more season as Bravo's number one show. Inexperienced in doing the introspective asides to the camera made famous by MTV's "The Real World," McGregor's comedic relief was no match for his glaring un-professionalism.
The hilarious hijinx that are supposed to accompany any good road trip story are watered down by the fact that the two travelers are married, middle-aged, highly insured actors unwilling to do any of their own stunts. After watching a single installment, viewers will not only walk away dissatisfied but will cringe at the prospect that four more episodes remain before winter break kicks in and we can go back to watching "ER" re-runs every Thursday night.
So, after all that, will Ewan and Charley make it from London to New York as they planned? Will they succumb to the wildly mysterious perils of the open road? Will anything interesting happen at all? Probably not.
On the other hand, they won't end up lost in the Caribbean, killed in a native uprising or mysteriously MIA like their adventurous predecessors either. What a pity; it would have made a better story if they had.
