Did something happen in the NBA two weeks ago? Some sort of fight? Does anyone have any details? I haven't heard about it.
Oh wait. I have heard about it. Everyone's heard about it except for the guy in the coma at the beginning of "28 Days Later." I watched it about 45 times (the brawl, not "28 Days Later;" I only saw that once). Then I read 29 columns by journalists who decried it as basketball's darkest day, the fall of civilization, and the worst thing since Ryan Leaf, despite the fact that I guarantee you every single one of them watched it as many times as they could. Do you think they said, "I can't watch this" and changed the channel in horror? Of course not.
I watched it as many times as I could too. So I'm not going to write a hypocritical column decrying the fight and how it reflects everything that's wrong with our culture. It's not a good thing. But what reflects badly on society isn't the fight; it's the fact that we all wanted to watch it over and over. And what really reflects badly on society is people putting leeches in their mouths on Fear Factor on Monday night. I haven't come that close to throwing up since the last Pete Rose interview.
In fact, the basketbrawl isn't even the weirdest sports story of the past two weeks. And since I don't want to talk about the brawl anymore, and since you're not a real writer anymore unless you use lists, here's The Top Two Sports Stories Weirder than the NBA Brawl:<$>
1) Step aside, Iraqi Olympic soccer team! The newest athletic evidence of the fine results of democracy ... ladies and gentlemen, it's the 2004 Afghan Open!
Reuters reported that the first golf tournament in Afghanistan in thirty years kicked off Friday, with the local militia leader opening the game surrounded by his men, who were armed with Kalashnikovs (I think that's some type of firearm). Several players have brought along armed bodyguards as caddies.
Hey, I don't care where the tournament is; you don't need to keep spectators in line at a golf match! Have you ever seen a golf fan throw a beer at Phil Mickelson? Send the Kalashnikov guys to the NBA to handle security and see if we have another brawl. Do you think fans would come on the court if the security guards had Kalashnikovs?
And what's the course like? I mean, isn't Afghanistan basically just one big rough? Osama's chilling somewhere. They're growing enough, um, plants, to keep Damon Stoudamire, Thomas de Quincey, and two of my friends from Pittsburgh happy for ten years. But hey, guys in funny pants swinging sticks - it's all good.
The clubhouse is bombed out. You come across the occasional spent shell on the green. But don't worry; the course has been thoroughly checked for undetonated mines. The 2004 Afghan Open: giving golf hazards a new meaning.
For some reason, Tiger Woods hasn't rushed to sign up. Although I heard Vijay Singh was considering - until Afghanistan allowed women to vote. But you know who probably would like to play at the Afghan Open?
2) Ricky Williams. In last week's Sports Illustrated, we learned that since retiring from football, Ricky has traveled to Japan, Jamaica, Thailand, and Australia, where he got stuck in quicksand (just when was I honestly was beginning to believe quicksand only existed in movies). Ricky escaped from the quicksand but lost his shoes, cut his foot, and then was thrown out of a Red Sox-Angels playoff game because he was barefoot.
First of all, quicksand? Second of all, you heard it here first, Williams is the next Bison Dele. One day he's just going to disappear in the middle of the Congo and no one's ever going to hear from him again. And third of all, why would you not wear shoes after you cut your foot? Does that make sense to anyone? Did he turn into a caveman when he retired? Did he only have one pair of shoes? He couldn't have spent all his money on weed already. Right? That would be, like, impossible.
Speaking of weed, random people keep giving it to Ricky for free. Is it possible he's the first professional athlete who fans would rather be after he's retired? And you know what Ricky said (about retirement, not weed specifically)?
"If my decision to walk away upset some people, I'm sorry. But everyone has a right to be happy - it's what the constitution says - and football wasn't doing it for me."
On the one hand, I kind of feel how Ben Affleck feels about Matt Damon in "Good Will Hunting:" if you've got the talent, it's a crime to waste it. On the other hand, I think everyone should be free to do what makes him or her happy. As a matter of fact, Mom and Dad, I'm dropping out of school. I know I'm letting you down but I'm just not happy. Also, I'm using my tuition money to buy a Columbian cartel.
The Afghan golf people agree in happiness too.
"In the past there was a lot of killing going on here," Zabir Sadiq said of the golf course. "Right now we are trying to fix up this area and give people some hope to understand a better life."
See, that's good stuff. In fact, I think having mines on golf courses isn't such a bad idea. Golf is pretty boring, so I would go one step further than mines and just have wild tigers roaming PGA courses. Maybe even tigers with Kalashnikovs; that would really get us watching SportsCenter.<$>
