Names are a staple of every civilized society. Without names, our conversations would be reduced to "Hey, Asshole," or "No, I'm talking about the other guy with eyebrows."
Hundreds of years ago when the Ancient Norse roamed the land, people strutted around with kick-ass names such as Thorbjorn and Thorgunna. Those times were filled with prosperity and joy. Today's names are lackluster to say the least, unless you are unlucky enough to be former New Hampshire Congressman Dick Swett or Florida resident Poopa Dweck. Our times are filled with anguish and despair.
In addition to being lame, any of today's names have the potential to strike fear into the heart of the average college student. Names just flat-out terrify me. Why, you ask? Combine a weaker than average memory (mine) with a venue filled with thousands of people looking to meet/sleep with each other (college), and you have yourself the following shameful situations.
First, there is the uncomfortable situation that arises when you find yourself in a conversation with someone whose name you cannot remember. Maybe this person has just met you (in my case, I've most likely forgotten your name by the time you've finished saying it), was on your Wilderness trip, or perhaps is even your own roommate. Whatever the case may be, you probably should know this person's name.
The problem is, you've had enough contact with this specimen that asking its name may elicit a seething rage. In a matter of seconds, your objective for the night has switched from ingesting every type of alcohol in existence to ending the conversation as quickly as possible.
I find that in situations like these, it is sometimes helpful to generalize this person by referring to them as "man," "girl," or "your name here" until the dialogue ends. If there is no end in sight, I recommend looking at your watch and saying, "Well, looks like it's time to run away," and then proceeding to run away. If you don't have a watch, can't run, or don't know where "away" is, it is not all right to dance.
A similar situation arises when you walk past an acquaintance whose name you should know, but whom you do not know well enough to instigate a stop-and-chat. The option pursued here by most individuals is to say, "Hey, buddy" or "Hey, dude" in place of his or her real name, and to keep walking. This is incorrect and a dead giveaway that you are a complete moron. The correct response is to take a stab at the first syllable of this person's name, and then to quickly trail off.
For example, say that I am 62 percent sure that the upcoming person's name is "Poopa." I start walking faster, and as I pass, I emit, "Hey, Poo..." and quickly trail off. Using this method, you have all of your bases covered. If the subject's name is, in fact, Poopa, congratulations! If not, I've found that most people don't mind being addressed as short, one-syllable forms of actual names such as "Poo." Finally, you've lucked out if the person's name was actually "Poojarba" or "Pooeater."
An equally horrid situation that names too often create is when a student, usually of foreign descent, unsuccessfully tries to tell you theirs. Let's say that this person's name is Naxhituwlan, and you have already asked his (or her?) name twice. What is the proper move here?
INCORRECT RESPONSE:
"I'm sorry; I'm still not getting it. Noxema? Can you say it once more?"
CORRECT RESPONSE:
"Enough of this babble! I would rather live the rest of my life not knowing your actual name than experience the awkwardness of asking for a third time!"
The single most terrifying situation that names provide arises when a girl who you've been hitting on all night drops the bomb: "Do you even remember my name?" This really sucks, because I don't. What do you do when she then inquires, "How can you not remember my name? I'm wearing a name tag!"
INCORRECT RESPONSE:
"I'm sorry, baby, my limited brain capacity only allows me to remember names with fewer than three letters." (Also unacceptable is drooling.)
CORRECT RESPONSE:
"Shut up, you greasy wench! At least I'm not the one who's not worth remembering!"
As an added bonus, she probably won't forget your name any time soon!
I propose a solution to the chaos that names create. Everyone, upon birth, should have their name tattooed on their forehead. Never again will anyone ever have to experience any of the painful situations detailed above. The only people who might have reservations about this idea are people with names like "Bonerface" or "Dicksack." Also confusing would be anyone whose first name is actually "Forehead."
While they do have their uses, it is clear that humanity would probably be better off without the burden that we call "names." While it is noble to try and find solutions to these unnecessary situations, sometimes the world just gets the best of you. During these times, just do what I do, and scowl at anything that moves.
Jeff Volinski is a senior majoring in mechanical engineering. He can be reached at Jeffrey.Volinski@tufts.edu.
