Apparently, writers sometimes let their ten-year-old children help write the movie. "Man of the House" is here to prove it.
Texas Ranger Roland Sharp (Tommy Lee Jones) is one tough cookie. Sporting a cowboy hat, a pearl-handled pistol, a thick drawl, and unable to show affection, Sharp is the NRA's idea of law enforcement. After University of Texas cheerleaders witness a murder, Sharp is assigned to protect them from the killer, moving into their house on campus, and hilarity ensues.
From panties hanging in the shower (apparently washers and dryers haven't made it to Texas yet) to shopping for tampons, Sharp struggles with the uproarious task of co-existing with five curvaceous girls. (One night, Sharp eats pizza as the calorie-counting girls drool longingly. Hilarious!) Of course, Sharp eventually grows very fond of the girls, learning about the value of cheerleading and figuring out how to show affection to his daughter.
Next, after sitting in on one class and falling in love with the professor (Anne Archer), the writer (or his son) throws us a curveball, by having her ask him out. Role reversal? Hilarious!
The end provides the coup de grace. The bad guy, a corrupt FBI agent who makes little effort to conceal his wickedness from other officers as he tries to uncover the whereabouts of the witnesses, kidnaps Sharp's daughter, telling Sharp to bring him "the money" from a locker somewhere. (What money? Isn't this about killing cheerleaders?)
The bad guy takes the money and keeps the daughter but luckily decides to take a bus instead of simply driving to Mexico. The cheerleaders, those rascals, are already on the bus, and help Sharp catch the bad guy.
The script has a middle-schooler's idea of reality. In the beginning of the film, Sharp and his partner waltz into a firefight and single-handedly take down the bad guys as fifty officers simply stand behind their patrol cars and watch.
Most interesting, however, are the precautions taken to protect the cheerleaders.
First of all, the girls can't identify or even describe the killer, putting their status as "witnesses" in jeopardy. Second, they are allowed to continue living in their house, even after their van is blown up. Really, scriptwriters? The killer has discovered their whereabouts, but the police don't think it is necessary to relocate them?
Of course, it's lucky for the killer that Sharp discovered the car bomb in the nick of time, considering that he holds the only key to the locker full of money. It's as if the writers, first-timers John McLaughlin and Scott Lobdell (or their children) wrote two different scripts and only realized it later. In one, the cheerleaders need protection from someone trying to kill them, while in the other, the bad guy simply wants to escape with the money to Mexico.
"Daddy, we wrote two different endings? Whatever will we do?" The children might have asked.
"Whatever, just combine them or something. Daddy's tired."
Oh, how Tommy Lee Jones has fallen. After winning a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his part in "The Fugitive" (1993), Jones appeared in a slew of memorable, if not similar roles, in movies including "JFK" (1991), "Natural Born Killers" (1994) and "Men in Black" (1998).
This is not one of them, although his deadpan delivery works more often than not. ("This is my happy face.") Like Morgan Freeman, Jones has been typecast into a part he plays too well, destined to keep playing it in successively worse films.
Cedric the Entertainer makes a number of relatively unexplained cameos as an
ex-con preacher; think James Brown in "Blues Brothers" but not as funny. Of course, he gets in a dance-off with the girls, who are wearing skimpy, skin-tight spandex. The fifth graders behind me went crazy every time the camera zoomed in on their behinds.
The love story between Sharp and the teacher is woefully underdeveloped. They meet once before deciding to go out, and we only see them on one date. Their date scene, which is one of the sweet moments in the film, prompted the fifth graders to start throwing popcorn and chasing each other around the theater.
Overall, the film isn't without funny moments. Indeed, the scene where Jones tackles a mascot is borderline hysterical. The film itself, however, is far too contrived to be really enjoyable. If you're willing to disband any and all sense of reality, however, "Man of the House" might be worth a trip.
But don't bet on it.
