This past week I had the pleasure of waking up to an ever-effusive tour guide shepherding prospective freshmen. They want to know about the college experience: yes, the one so oft idolized by parents and high-schoolers alike, but never truly defined. Each picks his own, you say? Well, having been here almost a year, let me enlighten you: there is, in fact, a college experience. Here it is, consisting of five basic rules.
So, you're goin' to college. First of all, don't even think about staying within a 1,000 mile radius of that town you were born and raised in. Are you from another continent? Good! Welcome. You live in Salem, or worse, our own Medford? Pathetic! Rule number one: college is a time to grow, to stretch boundaries!
How on earth will you enjoy the experience with your folks' shadow within a forty minute drive? Oh, you say you don't wanna do your own laundry? Yeah, nobody does - but if you want to persevere, for the love of God, keep your laundry (and yourself) away from your mother. What are you gonna do, go home every other weekend? Have your parents over for tea? If so, spare us the extra bed for hook-ups and just become one of those commuters, since you've sabotaged the experience anyway! You make me sick, you infantile brat.
One of the first thoughts occurring to an unsuspecting freshman is approximately "Oh, woe is me! I am but a lost sheep - whatever shall my major be?" Well, you need to remember one key thing; Rule number two: you should major in whatever you want - what makes you really happy. All this for $42,000 measly bucks a year! Don't be another damn IR major - follow your dreams!
Take my example: a plan of study major in the sociology of sexual relations, concentrating on lizards, with a minor in medieval studies and/or telepathic arts. I'll come out of Tufts readily armed for the demanding market, well-prepared to pursue a full-time position as an analyst of medieval lizards' sexual preferences. Maybe I'll even start my own telepathic consulting firm!
Don't forget study abroad - I plan on going to the Marshall Islands, because the development of Marshallese lizards' sexuality in the Middle Ages is hardly documented, and I'll have lots of research to do for my thesis. Don't forget that that this will be the only time to gain such information - and don't you waste your parents' money, 'cause you'll wanna go to grad school, too.
What about social life? Let me simplify. You want one? Too bad. That's right - because the administration, President Bacow especially, are wicked, twisted
control-freaks. While you enjoy that quality alcoholic refreshment at an esteemed fraternity-sponsored social event, Bacow and his crew are, no doubt, pining over new ways to breed a campus of dry, econ-studying, non-TEMSed zombies (and if you cannot appreciate that TEMS is basically free nighttime transportation complete with shiny lights and sirens for your pleasure ... don't diss it till you've tried it).
Rule number three: you're paying for the experience, and that is empty without a good time! Yes, the bureaucracy is trying to take that away! They wanna shut down the very institutions that are established for the benefit of the entire Somerville community, higher education and humanity as a whole? Let me tell you something: the experience is nothing without these establishments. The only way to have fun here is graciously provided by our own local brothas and sistahs. As incoming blood, it is your duty to protect that. Fight for your right. To part-ay. (And God bless America.)
Okay. Rule number four: deal with your roommate. How? Well, they don't talk about this in those guidebooks, but I'll let you in on a little secret. Are you a lean, mean procreating machine? Too sexy for your shirt? Your body too bootylicious for me, babe? If you wanna live the
experience, it better be "Yes ma'am" to all of those, or don't even bother coming. You think they give you a roommate so that you learn to "live with someone"? Not unless you're a commuter! Roommates are there to develop your assertiveness: pity to the poor Jumbo who's never had a chance to sexile that extra body in his/her room. That can only happen for two reasons: a) you must be a real ugly loser or b) your roommate did it first.
For the sake of clarity, let me mention that of course, these five simple rules are not all-encompassing. They're to serve as a basic guideline. I don't mention, for example, classes and work and all that. That's not important. But I will leave you with the most vital point.
Rule number five: never forget that you are now an adult, and deserve to be treated as such. You are now free like a bird. Like the wind! Actually, I lied: you also have the adult responsibilities of arising on a Sunday morning (or afternoon). That's hard. How about finances? Let me tell you, going to the bookstore and putting points on your Bursar's really takes a lot of maturity; but you emerge feeling as worthy as your anthro textbook. Yet, there are also freedoms: nobody makes you sleep (waste of time), and remember that shiny card your parents got you, with the Bank of America logo? Sure it's pretty, but it's also fun to swipe at H&M and your Jumbo Bookstore. With so many options it's easy to feel overwhelmed. The best way to cope is to take advantage of all of them at once. Missing something could limit your experience forever. Go at 'em.
In the back of your mind, there may be a nasty thought. When you're a senior, you'll have to look for a job ... and make resumes and cover letters and become a corporate sycophant. But as a frosh? Please! Ugh, don't even think about that. You can be anything you want! Always remember, there are so many more important things to deal with.
Rita Reznikova is a freshman majoring in international relations.
