With spring training upon us and Yankees-Sox and steroids talk already inching towards "getting old" territory (at least for now), there are plenty of other running themes you need to look out for in the season ahead. Namely ...
Expanding Waistlines and their effect on performance
Obviously, some of our big leaguers aren't in Spring Break shape. These guys have more than enough money to hire a personal trainer or a personal pharmacist or whoever, but they'd rather use their extra cash on Chalupas. Players to whom this pertains have been overheard saying things to the effect of "I never injected myself with the juice, but I did put bleu cheese dressing in a syringe once ..." Gross.
With Mo Vaughn, John Kruk and Cecil Fielder but distant memories, there is a new batch of "Yes, in fact, I would like fries with that" big leaguers who pique our attention mainly because they play Major League Baseball (some very well, I may add) while resembling those guys you see on Maury Povich ... you know, the ones who can't get out of the bath tub without a crane.
The most amusing aspect is that today's chief culprits are all starting pitchers. Plump hitters must get weeded out, or thinned out in the minors these days, as happened to one-time porker Kevin Youkilis.
The Indians' C.C. Sabathia, the Angels' Bartolo Colon, the Orioles' (Sir) Sidney Ponson, and ... the poster boy for the (lack of) movement ... the Sox' David Wells. Last season, these four tipped the scales at an average of 263.5 lbs (at least that's how they are listed) and went 52-45 with a cumulative ERA of 4.54. Not terrible. Three of the four had winning records, and one of them (Wells) was 41. And he had the only sub-4.00 ERA of the bunch (3.73).
But any time these guys struggle, analysts and fans alike attribute it to "excess baggage." Bronson Arroyo blows it? His mechanics are bad, it slipped out of his hand, etc. Hey, if the ball is going to slip out of anyone's hand, Wells' left paw will be the culprit, for all the hungover sweat it has dripping off of it.
OK, I've already been too graphic in this column. Let's move on.
Small market teams who think they have a shot
No players just come out and say it, but I'd be willing to bet that the feeling resides at the front of a lot of players' minds.
Random Cold Pizza interviewer: So how do you think you guys look this year? Random center fielder/first baseman for the Rockies, Royals, Pirates, Reds, Brewers, Blue Jays, Devil Rays: I think 70 wins is a realistic goal. Seriously, the Yankees went out and got, who was it, Jaret Wright, and he's their fifth starter? We could've used him for our ace. Yeah, we're not going to be very good at all.
And they would be correct.
But now is not the time for my attack on the cruel system Major League Baseball has in place. Rather, I'm going to prey on those small market clubs who have not found the formula for success. Memo to all the teams I mentioned above - cut and paste the work the Twins and Athletics have done over the past five years. Those teams reside in small markets, yet they have consistently competed (even if the playoffs have revealed their respective lacks of greatness). Neither threw money at Ken Griffey, Greg Vaughn or even Denny Neagle. And those who did are now paying the consequences. Not only did those deals set those teams back, they also made them gun shy in pursuing a player such as Wright. As you already know, in the Yankees' case, paying for Wright is like paying for a chair to go on the Titanic. Other teams would have to give him their whole boat.
The Royals of a couple years ago looked like a fun bunch that could actually believe the "We can go all the way" lies. But the honeymoon ended for them last year, so until a future revival, a 76-86 season (the Reds' mark last season, best of the small town bunch) will have to suffice as "success." There is always the bunch that comes out of the gates strong, but come July and the trading deadline, the chances of that team being able to hang are slim to none. Those 2003 Royals as well as the aforementioned Reds of last year were testaments to that. And to those of you who are fans of these teams, here's some advice from a big market, Boston snob - enjoy April and May, because that's as good as it's gonna get.
But it could be much, much worse ...
Can't forget Montreal
Well, Major League Baseball did. But without any Canadiens hockey or Expos baseball, what could possibly be going on in the heads of Montreal's sports fans? Granted, nobody went to Expo games except for 18-20 year old Americans who happened to be up there partying on St. Catherine's Street, but still ...
Some Kind of Wonderful would like to pour one down for our homies ... nay ... nos amis, in Quebec, for whom there will be no baseball this year.
As for the rest of you, crank it up ... even if Oliver Perez is your Opening Day starter.
