The Red Sox won the World Series. Technically I shouldn't have anything to complain about for, say, the next 50 years. Plus its spring; baseball has begun after a brief hot-stove winter; and if you still want to enjoy last season for a bit longer, March Madness will keep you preoccupied. Life is good. And so, on that note, here are my three biggest gripes of the baseball off-season (besides steroids). As Frank Costanza said, "I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!"
Gripe No. 1:
The Red Sox won the World Series. How could anything be wrong with the greatest event in human history, you may ask? Two words: Tim McCarver. Now there were more than a few things that annoyed me and many other fans during the World Series including the shameless marketing plugs, like "The Polar Express Play of the Game," and we're not going to go near the subject of Jimmy "I didn't even see Taxi" Fallon being allowed onto the field with Drew Barrymore during the victory celebration to film the ending for their new movie. But none of these minor annoyances even came close to the irritation that is Tim McCarver. Let's look back at some of the best "McCarver Moments" of the post season.
During Game 1 of the ALCS he claims Derek Jeter has, "the calmest eyes in baseball." Later he calls Bronson Arroyo "Brandon" for literally six innings (alright maybe not that many, but it was ridiculous) and then claims "Brandon" will start for the Yankees and face Pedro Martinez in Game 2. Finally Al Leiter corrects him, which McCarver barely acknowledges. While we're talking about Al Leiter, do they draw straws each year or something to decide who gets shafted into calling the postseason with McCarver? Honestly, I thought it was bad when Bret Boone had to comment on his brother's walk off homer last year, but this time they stick Leiter with not only having to put up with Tim-Tim, but also commenting on "Scooter," the cartoon baseball that explained pitches to the audience, as if fans are sitting there wondering how a fastball works. My favorite Scooter explanation: the brush back - that could be a column all its own. But I digress.
Next, in Game 1 of the World Series, McCarver comments on Tim Wakefield's poor pitching performance. His insight: "I think Tim Wakefield would even say tonight that Tim Wakefield got to Tim Wakefield tonight." Truly Madden-esque.
My last and personal favorite: McCarver's description of a home run hit off of a Derek Lowe sinker during the ALCS, and I'm going to have to paraphrase this, but it was along the lines of, "The thing about groundballs, they don't get hit out of the park." Really, Tim?
Here are my feelings about McCarver. He either has an I.Q. of 40 or he's actually a closet genius. It's like that old Saturday Night Live skit with Phil Hartman as Ronald Reagan, and when the press was around he acted all innocent, and then they leave and he's screaming at his aides and speaking three different languages. That would at least explain where McCarver was during the first or second inning of half the postseason, when Joe Buck would
introduce everything and McCarver would come wandering in out of nowhere. Maybe he was in the war room with Bud Selig, warning him about steroid scandals and advising him to keep Pete Rose out of Cooperstown for one more year until he learns his lesson. Either that or a puppy distracted him on his way to the stadium.
Gripe No. 2:
The absurd amount of Red Sox books that everyone and their mother published after the World Series. Now I admit, I had to write down the incredible flood of emotions I felt after witnessing the Sox finally win. But do we really need a 400-plus page book chronicling the e-mail correspondences between Stephen King and Stewart O'Nan? At least King and O'Nan's "Faithful" was the culmination of over a year's worth of work. Leigh Montville, on the other hand, churned out his "Why Not Us" in less than two months following the World Series. Even Dan Shaughnessy, who has been making bank after giving credence to the Curse of the Bambino through his book of the same name and subsequent children's illustrated story, is now about to release "Reversing the Curse." Slightly hypocritical, but even more so, give it a rest. Take a break. Rule of thumb: you should not be allowed to write about a sporting event that has occurred in the past year. If you want to read about the Red Sox, pick up Doug Hornig's The Boys of October, a terrific book about the 1975 World Series between the Sox and the Big Red Machine, the Cincinnati Reds. Considered one of the greatest World Series ever played, each chapter covers a game and its starting pitcher, and now that they've finally won, the ending just isn't as painful.
Gripe No. 3:
You'd think with career numbers comparable to Hall of Fame pitchers like Catfish Hunter and Jim Bunning, you'd be able to stroll in to Cooperstown. But after 15 years of getting shunted by baseball writers in the regular voting process, now the Veteran's Committee is keeping Sox hauler Luis Tiant out of the Hall, too. Forget about Jim Rice - the bigger travesty is El Tiante. The man played 19 seasons in the big leagues, posting a 229-172 record with a 3.30 ERA. He had four 20 win seasons and had a career low 1.62 ERA in 1968. He was Pedro Martinez without the baggage. He was eccentric. He had a gut comparable to David Wells, yet still managed to pitch 187 complete games in his career. He smoked cigars anytime, anywhere. He was an All-Star three times and he started Games 1 and 4 of the 1975 World Series, winning both. If the Sox had managed to hold the lead in Game 7, he arguably would have been MVP. Instead, Little Looey and his walrus mustache must wait another year before he gets the place he so deserves besides Cy and Walter, Sandy and Nolan.
I've spent this whole column talking about baseball, and since it is March, I'd feel remiss if I didn't make a prediction for who's cutting down the net at the end of the big dance. I'm riding UNC all the way, and Roy Williams finally gets his national championship. In my "New England pride" bracket, though, I'm picking the Catamounts out of Vermont to make a real run this year. The Red Sox won, didn't they?
