Dear George,
It's been quite a run, hasn't it pal? Twenty-six World Champions, 39 Pennants -it's been something. Of all my business ventures, I've gotta say, the Yankees were my favorite. And the memories, my goodness, the memories! Crushing the spirits of an entire city, nay, an entire region for the better part of a century ... I get goose bumps just thinking about it. But all good things must end.
While I dictate this letter to John Henry Williams, it saddens me to think that the long and successful history the Yankees and I have had for the last 86 years is finally concluding. But you breached the contract George. Paragraph 7,042, sub section D, clause four of our agreement specifically states, and I quote: "If said party [hereby referred to as "the Yankees"] ever signs a player with "Rod" in his nickname, this contract will be void under penalty of becoming the only team in history to blow a 3-0 lead in a playoff series and will be sentenced to a century of American League purgatory."
And just in case you're thinking of going the legal route and suing me, know that I had Aaron Burr, the most evil lawyer in history, review that thing - twice - so you know it's solid. And don't think just because the aforementioned "Rod" saved some kid's life, you're going to be exempt. For goodness sake, the kid was a Yankees fan; if I didn't know better (and I do) I would have thought A-Rod had made a deal with ... well ... me for that publicity.
To be honest here, I never thought you guys would actually get caught on such a ridiculous loophole. But then you had to go and swipe the legs out from under Boston once again after it looked like they had Rodriguez signed, sealed and delivered. You never cease to amaze me. It was funny at first, a win-win situation for me. But then the truly unthinkable happened. Now I'm freezing my ass off down here and wearing double layers.
Since we must say goodbye, I'll admit something: the Yankees weren't my first choice. Nope. I actually had my eyes set on that little rag-tag team up in Boston. But they are so ingrained in their Puritanical ways, those Bean Eaters. It was honesty this, and integrity that. I offered them everything I could think of, but they're a stubborn bunch. It was too bad, cause that uniform worked so much better with my complexion. But at least pinstripes are slimming.
I shopped around for a few years after they rejected me, but just couldn't find the right team. I thought I had the Chicago White Sox locked up in 1919, but like they say, the all mighty dollar, eh? Lost out again. No worries, though, cause along came Colonel Tillinghast L'Hommedieu Huston, co-owner of both the most ridiculous name in history and of the upstart New York Yankees. He was looking to get his club going, and I found the perfect opportunity to finally get my own ball club and my revenge against Boston for their refusal. What? You think the only major contract signed that year was between The Colonel and Harry Frazee for The Babe? Please. You think the Sox would go from winning five World Series to zilch, while the Bombers would start winning like it's going out of style without some help from your old pal?
I'll admit though, as much as I enjoyed helping you guys win, it was even more fun figuring out new ways to screw the Sox. Enos Slaughter, Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner and Aaron Boone weren't just coincidences. Give me a little credit, Georgie boy.
Now I'm sure you're puzzled by the nature of this letter. We both know you're a volatile, egotistical sociopath, but your little memorandum tirade was ridiculous. "True Yankees," George? You haven't had "true Yankees" for some time, so I don't know why you're complaining now. I mean, if after signing John Olerud you're asking where all the real Yankees went, you've got a bigger problem than everyone thinks. I wanted to give you a heads up, though, in respect for our long association.
You're going to be spending a long time at the bottom of the ladder, Steinny. The first couple of years finishing behind the Orioles and the Blue Jays and, yes, the Red Sox, are going to be tough. Sure, you'll make the occasional playoff run-only to be handed excruciating losses by the Twins, the A's and the Tigers. Plus, I'll warn you now, the World Series in 2018, in which you're swept by the Washington Nationals, is going to be hard to handle if you don't learn to relax today.
It's payback time Furious George. Now you're going to know what the Rockies, the Pirates and the Brewers have to suffer through every season. I'll admit, I'm going to miss working with you guys, but don't worry about me; I'm a survivor. In fact, just between us, I'm close to signing a deal with the Devil Rays (the team that was built for me). We're just trying to work out a date for the rematch between Don Zimmer and Pedro, and hopefully it's a done deal.
Good luck George. And think of it this way, at least you guys weren't one of those idiot teams who overpaid for an aging All-Star in hopes of making one more run at glory only to....oh, yeah, never mind.
All the best,
The Prince of Darkness
P.S.:
(Billy Martin says hello. He's put together quite a little ball club down here, and it's got more than a few true Yankees on the roster. You should drop by. We're playing the Angels next week in the Netherworld Series).
Andrew Bauld is a sophomore majoring in history. He can be reached at Andrew.Bauld@tufts.edu.
