It's America's national pastime. So why does America think baseball is so boring and the game is so long? Why do many of my friends refuse to watch a game on television or pay attention through nine innings at the ballpark?
I, for one, cannot understand these people. Going to the park is one of my favorite hobbies. I've seen six games live this season and enjoyed every one. People just don't know how to have a good time watching baseball. Let me help you out with some pointers for enjoying a baseball game with a recap of one of the best games I attended this season.
On June 1, the Giants came to town to play my team, the Phillies, who were trying to get to .500 and had won three of four games. I ventured down to Citizens Bank Ballpark with my twin brother Chris and a few of our friends in hopes of seeing some good baseball. Actually, I knew I wasn't going to see good baseball. After all, I was going to a Phillies game. That's like going to the dollar store for a good...anything. That's the first tip.
1. Know what you're going to see. If it's Yankees-Red Sox, it'll be a nail-biting slugfest (there's just no pitching). If it's Marlins-Nationals, you're going to see one run...total. If it's Phillies-Giants, it's just bad baseball. Choose wisely.
Before we go further, you should know the source of these tips. My brother and I, you'll have to understand, view ourselves as unapologetically Philadelphian. We take pride in being rudely pessimistic, obnoxiously loud, and genuinely boorish fans of all our beloved (yet grossly underperforming) pro sports teams. But try as I may, I still fall short of my brother's example. I guess it's because I possess a little more self-control. It's a problem I'm working to correct, one day at a time.
Chris and I had read Moises Alou, the Giants outfielder, uses his urine to callous his hands to ease the effects of not wearing batting gloves. Now I've heard of weird traditions regarding sports, but this is flat-out ridiculous. Chris was intent on booing Alou, among others that night. That's my next tip.
2. Be a part of the game. Pay attention. Cheer or boo accordingly. Start or join rally chants. Keep score if you have to. Just don't throw batteries at the players. I've heard that's not allowed.
From the upper deck of right field we immediately joined the game. When Phillies third baseman David Bell (hitting .252 with one homerun and 15 RBI after two months despite a salary of $4.7 million) got up to the plate, Chris stood straight up and laid into him, even though he knew the players couldn't hear him.
"TWO-FIFTY TWO [voice screeching]!?! THAT'S ALL? YOU SUCK!!"
I thought we might be offending the father and son seated near us (although other fans got a kick out of it), but that moral question was reconciled when I realized the dad was only spending $25 for the cheap seats.
3. Spend some money! Get an ice cream in a mini-helmet. Get a program. And if you're cheap, go down on fan giveaway day and convince some kid to get you the little Phillies cooler they're giving away only to fans 14 and under. Not that I've done that before...
Throughout the whole game, we were quite displeased that Phillies manager Charlie Manuel decided to start Placido Polanco at second base instead of hotshot prospect Chase Utley. Although Manuel, considered a players' manager, may possess adept human relations skills, he's a moron managing in the National League (he let closer Billy Wagner bat not once, but twice this season). Utley, considered the future of the team, was developing into an All-Star. We let Charlie hear our displeasure ... every time Polanco approached the on-deck circle.
"HEY CHRIS, UTLEY'S ON DECK!!"
"NO, NO, I THINK THAT'S POLANCO!!"
"WHAT? WHY WOULD ANYONE START POLANCO OVER UTLEY!?!"
As the game progressed we decided to move closer to the field of play. My brother, our friend Phil and I crept by the ushers and sat at the very edge of the fence in right field, prime position for jeering Alou.
4. Move around the stadium. Take a look around and check out the amenities. If you bought bad seats, relax. You can always move. Wait until the later innings so you don't get caught.
We laid into Alou for two innings, ragging him for the urine story, a poorly-played flyball, his dad Felipe Alou being tossed for arguing a call and for generally being in our line of sight.
At one point, Alou turned to look right at us. I cowered away while my brother, who attends Dodgers games while he attends USC in Los Angeles, stood up and brazenly hollered: "HEY MOISES, YOU SUCK!! AND WHEN I GET BACK TO L.A. I'M GONNA BOO YOU THERE TOO!!"
Philadelphia's finest on display.
5. Choose the right company. Don't go with a girl who wants to leave after the second inning. On the flipside, it may not be to smart to go with my brother. He's fine for a few innings, but he needs to watch the profanity.
During the eighth, the Phillies loaded up the bases and Manuel made his smartest call all season: he told Utley to pinch-hit with the game tied 6-6. We were ecstatic and told Alou the ball was coming his way. We didn't realize how right we were.
Utley drilled a 1-1 pitch to deep right field. It was way back, way back ... right to my brother. He reached up with hat in hand, watched the ball go into the hat, and watched it fall out and bounce on the field. He had a pinch-hit-grand-slam-home-run in his hands, the rarest souvenirs from one of the rarest plays in baseball, and dropped it. Alou got the ball and casually threw it back, rather than tossing the ball into the stands. Footage of Chris dropping the ball replayed on the Jumbotron over and over. An usher later said he could have gotten us signed memorabilia from Utley if we had the ball, while fans behind us (as well as our friends) mocked Chris for missing the big one. That brings me to my final tip.
6. Bring your baseball glove. Always, always, always bring your baseball glove.
There you have it. Follow my tips and you'll never attend a "boring" baseball game. But forget your baseball glove and you'll have a story to tell for the next 25 years.
