Welcome freshmen and transfers! It is my pleasure to greet you on the pages of this esteemed publication! Now, I know most of you are pretty nervous about "fitting in." I can just hear you wondering if, in this new environment, you stick out like a bad nose job. For that reason, I'm going to give you some pointers that will help you blend in as a true Jumbo!
1. Fashion. Nothing is more important than how you look. For girls, it's easy. Look at any fashion magazine published between 2003 and 2004, and copy it stitch for stitch. Make sure your sunglass lenses are bigger than your breasts, and wear them even on cloudy days. Boots are in - especially those that get ruined if exposed to snow. If you're going out on the town, wear so much makeup that you completely obliterate any ounce of natural beauty you may possess. For guys, it's all about the hair. Chicks dig that "Jason Mraz" look. The "Jew-fro" is also popular. Either way, make it unkempt - it'll be sure to get you that job interview you were looking for!
2. Cars. Make sure your parents buy you something nice, but keep it practical for New England winters. For girls, I recommend a Lexus RX330. In beige. Park it anywhere you like. Don't pay too much attention to driving when you get a phone call. And keep those sunglasses on! For guys, the key is using as much gas as possible. Some achieve this through flooring the gas on their M3 or Infiniti FX whenever there's a slight opening in pedestrians. Others slowly circle campus until the wee hours of the morning in their large, American-made SUVs. Either way, keep rockin' the House of Saud!
3. Community relations. Remember, those people who live around us aren't really people at all. As a Tufts student, YOU are the center of the universe! Pump up the volume! If the police try to tell you that children are trying to sleep in the house next door, tell them what country your parents are high ranking officials in. If you need to cross the street, do so as slowly as possible. Those people in their cars don't nearly need to get to work as much as you need to not scratch those new Manolo Blahniks! If it snows, don't shovel your sidewalk - that cute little old lady down the street can just walk in the middle of the road. Street sweeping laws also don't apply to you, so keep the A4 blocking the road on street sweeping day.
4. Social life. Go to Kappy's. Buy as much cheap booze as you can find. Sit alone in a dorm room drinking as much as possible as quietly as possible. You don't want anyone to hear you having fun - you might get caught! If you still feel absolutely miserable because you are in a cramped dorm with two other people sitting in silence, drink some more and you'll feel better. Pretty soon you'll meet some new friends at Club TEMS. Aren't you glad we closed all the frats?
5. Family. Your parents should either live in a country that does not start with "United States of" and end with "America", or they should live in a suburb of New York or Boston. If they're not ambassadors or important business figures, just lie! If your dad is a middle manager at DuPont Chemical, just say he's the CEO. It's not like it is public information that Charles O. Holliday Jr. is the true head of the company, and that he has no close relatives who attend Tufts. Nobody will ever find out!
6. Paying for college. Have your parents write a check for the full amount of tuition. How else do you pay for college?
7. Diversity. Make new friends from all over the world. Diversity is key! Tufts offers an incredibly diverse student body. Our students come from financial backgrounds ranging all the way from upper middle class to upper class. Geographic diversity is key too. If you're from Westchester, don't be afraid to introduce yourself to someone from Fairfield! You'll notice that our student body makes up a rainbow of colors - some of the people have white skin and dark hair, while some of the people have white skin and light hair! We even have Asians!
8. Give back to Tufts. Bacow hates to beg, and he also hates to give up vegetarian sandwiches from Dewick to entice future donors. Don't hurt his self esteem - give money today!
9. Student organizations. Spread yourself thinner than the coffee in Brown and Brew. Like traditional Indian dance, the environment, civil liberties, journalism, AND support womens' rights? Join Bhangra, WaterWatch, the Tufts ACLU, the Observer, and VOX! Don't commit yourself to just ONE cause that you believe in - make sure you have a line on your resume for every interest you've EVER had!
10. Schoolwork. Did your prof say "no extensions"? Screw that! You're entitled! You're paying his salary, he should have to give up a week of his winter break to read and grade your paper! Make up some sort of illness.
I hope these helpful hints can set you on your way to joining the rest of us happy Jumbos. Now, if you'll excuse me, my rich white friends and I have to drive to yet another general interest meeting, and I have yet to tousle my hair.
Keith Barry is a senior majoring in Community Health and Psychology. He can be reached via e-mail at Keith.Barry@tufts.edu.
