This past Saturday, our very own Arts editors found themselves where any fun-loving, self-respecting Tufts students would be on Homecoming: among the revelers in the Tailgaters' Village. Civilized boozing soon turned into a Greco-Roman mud-wrestling frenzy, with crazed alums grappling in the quagmire that was J-Field. Though the only Arts casualties were a few pairs of Chuck Taylors and old-school Adidas that didn't make it through the muddy morass, we sympathized with our grime-covered classmates who ended up looking like Degas's ballerinas. In honor of our now-defunct emo footwear and our filthy friends, we present this list of ten things actually dirtier than Tailgaters' Village.
Outhere Brothers - "Boom Boom Boom": Remember this one? (Boom boom boom, lemme hear ya say way-oh! [way-oh!]) It may be the most sexually graphic song ever recorded, and certainly ever played at major sporting arenas. Gems include "Put your (expletive) on my tongue / And your booty on my face" and the subtle "Bend you over / Grab your shoulder / Slip my (expletive) inside your (expletive)."
The ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese's: Does anyone ever actually take all the balls out of the pit, hunker down on hands and knees and scrub? Probably not. Don't small children with limited bodily function control play in said pits? Absolutely. Bad times all around.
Bob Saget: Bob Saget, of "Full House" fame!?! Yes, that Bob Saget. Perhaps you missed his appearance in this summer's documentary "The Aristocrats," the one the New York Times called the "filthiest, vilest, most extravagantly obscene documentary ever made." Saget's filthiness is well known; one famous story has him telling a friend, congratulating him on his newborn baby, "For a dollar, you can finger her."
Courtney Love: Last year she went on David Letterman and flashed him. Six times.
Bill O'Reilly: In case you've forgotten, America's self-declared champion of the straight and narrow settled his sexual harassment case out of court last year for millions of dollars. Highlights from the suit, leaked to the Smoking Gun, include O'Reilly allegedly telling the woman to buy a vibrator and name it, describing what he'd do to her in a shower on their Caribbean vacation, and receiving a massage from a "little brown woman" in Bali who was impressed with his, um, manhood.
The Middle Ages: Toothpaste and oral hygiene hadn't been invented, but plaque and halitosis had. Germ theory hadn't been invented, but plagues had. Horses were everywhere, and sleeping in the same bed as your brother(s) was the norm. Bathing existed as an annual event, and it didn't involve the use of soap. Shudder.
"Family Double Dare": Enthusiastic host Marc Summers had only one prerequisite for challenges: they must be sloppy! No "Double Dare" participant could escape the unidentifiable (though surely innocuous) slime that prominently factored into every activity. Bonus: While the full body suit attire was excusable on the kids, it made mom and dad look insane. It's a dirty trick, but there's nothing like a prison jumpsuit and knee pads to disabuse the children of the notion that their parents command any sort of respect.
Orlando Bloom's hair: Remember how the girls swooned over Ethan Hawke's sensitive, greasy-haired, poetic Troy Dyer in "Reality Bites"? That was eleven years ago! Teenyboppers today like their men more metro than mop-headed, which means that Legolas needs to use his powers of telepathy to locate a bottle of Pert Plus. Granted, 93 percent of Bloom's characters are historical and wouldn't necessarily have had access to modern hygiene products (see the Middles Ages entry), but 2005 Orlando should be able to take care of his inexplicably oily 'do.
Christina Aguilera: This girl puts both R's in "dirrty." Among her many exploits, X-tina cooed "do you want to sleep with me tonight?" (in French!), humped a boxing ring (while wearing chaps), suggestively stroked a hose held between her legs, and asked us to "rub [her] the right way." And that's just in the videos! In real life, Aguilera has about six piercings per square inch of flesh, once dated Robbie Williams, and has made some of the most perplexing (and tacky) red carpet fashion choices in recent years.
Using your pointer finger to sneak attack in a Thumb War: Resourceful second graders know you can loop your pointer around to surprise-pin your opponent's thumb down, but we prefer keeping the fight clean. If you don't have ethics in Thumb Wars, what do you have?
--David Cavell, Kate Drizos and Blair Rainsford
