"Sex, Love and Secrets" is a fitting name for UPN's new show, but perhaps a more appropriate title would be "Bad Acting, Ridiculous Plotlines and Last Ditch Efforts to Resurrect Careers." The show, which premiered last Tuesday, tries to be deeper than the typical soap, but is ultimately unsuccessful and simply steals ideas from other television shows and films.
Set in Los Angeles, "Sex, Love and Secrets" follows several singles in their late twenties as they manipulate and copulate around town. Charlie (Eric Balfour of "The O.C.") is a hairstylist who viewers are expected to believe is a ladies man despite his uncanny resemblance to a rat. However vermin-esque, Charlie meets a woman in a bar and goes back to her apartment only to be stopped while getting down in the shower when she hears her boyfriend enter the apartment. Thinking quickly, the woman has her roommate pretend to be showering with Charlie -- naturally the roommate gets naked almost instantly and presumably has sex with our love-god instead.
This is just one of many completely absurd happenings on "Sex, Love and Secrets." The plot becomes increasingly ridiculous with the introduction of each new character. There is Rose (Lauren German) and her rocker boyfriend Hank (James Stevenson), whose relationship gets complicated when Rose's deceased ex-boyfriend walks into the bar at the end of the show. Jolene (Denise Richards) also used to date the dead/creepily alive guy and seems to have a vendetta against Rose, as well as a, well, hankering for Hank.
Nina (Tamara Taylor) is a hardworking doctor with no time for love. At the beginning of the show she allows a quasi-hipster and definite weirdo named Milo (Lucas Bryant) to become her roommate. It becomes apparent that Nina has made a terribly poor decision when Milo is seen unpacking his bags and whips out a gun from his drawer. Despite his shortcomings, Milo did awkwardly dance in Nina's living room, providing possibly the only funny moment of the entire show.
It's difficult to pinpoint the main weakness of such an incredibly flawed show, but the most gnawing is its miserable attempt to be clever and fresh. The show likens its characters to the animal kingdom in a way "Mean Girls" (2004) was able to do effectively. Every so often there are shots of fighting/love-making animals awkwardly spliced in between scenes of humans doing the same things. These clips are clumsy and unnecessary, adding little to the plot.
In another failed attempt to be fresh and funny, in one scene time stops for Rose so an entire restaurant can serenade her with a Barry Manilow number. This attempt at eccentric humor is reminiscent of "Ally McBeal" (1997-2002), except that Ally's daydreams were funny and somewhat relevant to anything else going on in the show, or this universe.
Sadly, it only gets worse. Aside from the stale, predictable plotlines, unsympathetic characters, and stolen storytelling devices, it seems no one on "Sex, Love and Secrets" knows how to act.
Denise Richards needs a successful show. After all, she hasn't been in anything worthwhile since "Undercover Brother" (2002) err... "Starship Troopers" (1997) uhh... "Wild Things" (1998). Her character is a poor man's Amanda Woodward of "Melrose Place" (1992-1999): a heartless, man stealing, executive who loves a cat fight. Richards does little to add to her character, leaving viewers wishing "Melrose Place" was still on instead of such a paltry imitation.
The rest of the cast is no better. Lines are often delivered as if being read by fourth graders in a school play. The ridiculous nature of the script makes would-be serious moments laughable. While trying to seduce Charlie, Gabby says, "I hope my boyfriend doesn't see us whispering in this really sexy way." Here's hoping so too, because it's only when the whispers get really sexy that there's trouble.
If you enjoy watching train wrecks in action, "Sex, Love and Secrets" may be a good choice. A more pleasurable option might involve sitting near a train track in the off-chance an actual wreck will occur.
