Forgive the "Gallipoli" reference. Last week we stuffed ourselves silly. Homework was irrelevant. That 20-page paper that needed work lapsed into sweet, sweet obscurity. Well, the dream is over: Welcome back to the grinder, Jumbos. Time to buckle down and power through until Winter Break.
Last week I wrote about tradition. This week I'll encourage you to join me in celebrating one. On Dec. 9, we will observe the end of classes with a little indecent exposure as we run laps around the ResQuad naked. It's a cathartic release of tension, among other things, and the logistics of it are so out-of-sync (streaking in December?) that there's no way it can be considered lewd. More importantly, this treasured school-wide tradition transcends all social boundaries. Everyone is welcome.
Rather than why everybody should run, I'm going to address why you can't. Below, I will provide cast-iron counterarguments to all your potential exemptions. Trust me - as a seasoned Naked Quad Run (NQR) veteran, thrice decorated for sobriety in participation, commended for additional laps, and acclaimed for supplying provisional vigilante security detail - running is better than anything else you could be doing the last day of classes.
Ahem. Now, then:
"Streaking is illegal!": So is underage drinking and smoking pot, neither of which ever happen. Regardless, since the advent of the "Nighttime Quad Reception" or whatever incarnation we've reached at this point, the NQR is a University-sponsored (and therefore sanctioned) event. The University provides the gravel, and the cops to seal off West Hall when it reaches capacity - and there are doughnuts. In other words, you will be running in an event that the University acknowledges and allows, on private property that you pay to help maintain - i.e. totally legal. And even if my logic isn't clean, I've at least given you pause.
"I have homework to do!": Not this night. This is the best possible circumstance for the NQR. It falls on a Friday, and we have a full weekend before two more days set aside for studying. You have plenty of time to do homework later.
"I might slip and fall!": Do what I do and run sober, or at least not plastered. That's the easiest solution. Just like anything complicated, do it drunk and you are more accident-prone. If running sober stirs up a hornet's nest of inhibitions, then at least wear sneakers. Don't be the idiot who brings high-heels or flip-flops.
"It's cold!": It was cold 5,000 years ago when your ancestors were not leisurely running around a football field with a warm house waiting, but hunting mammoth for days at a time. Naked. 24/7. Hunting mammoth. Complaining of cold does your evolution as a species a great disservice. If you can't hack it for one lap, if you don't think you have the moxie to run naked in December, then you might as well live a lonely life and die alone, because when the next Ice Age rolls around, you and your offspring are going to die and it will be a speedy affair.
"I'm embarrassed about my body!": Tell it to Eve - it was her fault. There was a time where we could wander nude around the Garden of Eden and be totally OK with our bodies. Then we chose knowledge over bliss. I'm asking you to choose bliss over knowledge, at least for a couple of laps. Look, the point is that the NQR isn't an exhibition, so don't be hampered by thinking there will be judges. Which ties into my next point...
"My picture will wind up on the Internet!": The solution is ski masks. Recognizable tattoos? Body paint. There are ways to mask your identity. Also, skeevy photographers scatter like startled wildebeest when they are threatened by a naked and angry mob of young adults. A mad dash and a scream will do it.
"One day I want to be president!": Let me ask you a question: Which person is more qualified for office? The person who participated in a sanctioned school tradition, stripped down and ran a few harmless laps? Or the person who stands on the sideline and watches, or for the hornier and indecent, takes pictures for his/her own personal enjoyment? Case closed.
And on that note, I have a small closing memorandum for the perverts who are set on capitalizing on tradition by taking pictures. If you are that desperate to capture the image of a naked body, then I feel sorry for you. There's a plethora of Web sites and fine arts textbooks that can give you exactly what you are looking for, at no cost to your friends. No decent person will empathize with your photo collection. Nor will we have sympathy if your camera were to somehow slip out of your hands and break. So drop the camera and join up - you'll find that your street cred goes way up if you run rather than watch.
Run safe. Run sober. And if you are still self-conscious, take Mr. Gibson's advice and run fast. As fast as a leopard.
