OK folks, we need to have a talk. It snowed on Saturday. And while it wasn't exactly a blizzard, it was legitimate snow, and it stuck to the ground. And it was very cold that night (as I'm sure all of you freshmen in the skanky angel costumes can attest to. Score one for the modest girls!).
There is only one answer to this strange phenomenon. Global warming. That's right. Global warming is no longer a myth. It's here, and it's here to stay.
Down in H-town, Texas (which is still in mourning from being swept... Come on 'Stros. Where's your offense?) we don't really care about global warning. 'Cause when it's 102 degrees and 100 percent humidity, what's a few more degrees going to do? Let me tell you, there is not a difference between 102 and 105. You're already half naked, drenched in sweat, and your hair is frizzing out of control. So you might as well pollute as much as you want, because I mean, hey, we like bikinis!
But we are being selfish when we think about global warming. Because contrary to popular belief, it does not simply mean that the warm places are going to get warmer. It also means that the cold places are going to get colder.
This brings me to Tufts, and our little snowstorm on Saturday. Last year it snowed in mid November, this year late October, what's next? September? Handing out brown and blue Jumbo scarves instead of Nalgenes to freshmen during orientation?
"Hi, welcome to Tufts, remember to bundle up! And don't worry, we'll turn on the heat...eventually."
I'm guessing that all of the bright prospective Tufts students will cut their losses and go to Duke or Vanderbilt. Colby, Bowdoin and Bates will just shut their doors for good. And then no one will ever have a reason to go to Maine!
The repercussions of global warming will stretch further than just colleges. Every single old person will move to Florida, and it will become just like New York, except with beaches. The cute small towns south of the Mason-Dixon line will be bought up and developed, bringing with them shopping malls and Wal-Marts (wait, Southern small towns? They already have Wal-Marts, what am I talking about?). Everyone who has moved from the South to the North in the past 150 years will move back. Little kids growing up in Boston will say, "One day. One day I can grow up, go to Rice, and thaw my freezing body. One day I can be Southern too!"
Is this really what we want? Do we want to be polarized by not only political preferences, but weather as well? A large Minnesota on top, and a tropical oasis on bottom?
And we haven't even discussed the effects global warming will have on the rest of the world. This is mostly because although I am in Environmental Biology, I am addicted to Sudoku and my notes are spotty at best. (Darn Sudoku is ruining my GPA! Thanks a lot, Tufts Daily. Thanks a lot.)
But from what I remember from class that day, things are melting. Like glaciers. Do we really want our glaciers to melt? Glaciers are cool! (Ok, I'm almost positive that's not what our professor said in class, but it's true.)
So basically, I don't know anything about global warming, but I do know that it is bad, and it is the only explanation that I can come up with for the snow on Saturday. Because when I came to Tufts, I did not sign up for nuclear winter. They should put that in the freaking brochure. And if I transfer... you know why.
Students of Tufts, rise up and take a stand on Global Warming! You can make a difference! Get yourself some political efficacy! (And it's official; I spent way too much time studying for my American Politics midterm.) Garage your SUVs, write your congressmen, and close down your factories. Do you hate lying out on the quad in your bathing suit? Do you want to wander down Professors Row in snow boots instead of impractical heels? Do you want to have to drink vodka to keep warm? (Don't answer that.)
In conclusion, global warming is bad, and it will ruin your college career, and quite possibly your life. Let's keep Tufts awesome, not frigid. Our school is too cool to be... well, too cool.
Meredith Pickett is a sophomore majoring in History. Se can be reached via e-mail at Meredith.Pickett@tufts.edu.
