The population is divided. Arguments ensue, opinions change, alliances are made and broken. I'm referring, of course, to the debate between cheese and oral sex. Haven't you heard the buzz?
Sitting around the dorm talking nonsense, as is often the chosen activity of tired and overworked sophomores, my friend Erica asked me a question which has thus altered the course of my life: if forced to choose one, which would I rather give up indefinitely, cheese or oral sex?
I couldn't help but put aside my massive term paper in order to sit and ponder such a deep and probing query. After copious amounts of questioning on my hall and among my lovely VOXers, we came up with some important points to help you make up your mind.
Yes, I know we can have both. But as your situation may be like mine and many others, in that one or the other isn't available at just this moment, just imagine if you had to choose.
The general trend is that people eat cheese much more often than they have oral sex. With careful scheduling and the right partner this could all change. If I had someone around to pleasure me orally whenever I wanted, I would give up cheese faster than you can say fettuccini alfredo.
Some people have very severe allergies to cheese. While I've heard of people who are "allergic" to and have had negative experiences with oral sex, I have yet to hear of anyone who flat out can't deal with it.
Health-wise, oral pleasure is much better for the body. Orgasms are proven to relieve stress, and the caloric intake that comes from oral pleasure is much lower than that which comes from eating cheese. More oral sex would lead to a healthier world. Oral pleasure is vegan-friendly, although swallowing is questionable.
While a good cheese is easier to find than good oral sex, we don't deserve to eat good cheese if we can't appreciate it. If given the right oral pleasure, most people would be more than adequately appreciative.
On the other hand, oral sex is just one means of reaching that magical end. In giving up oral sex, you lose only one of those means. There are several other ways that partners can please each other (or that you can please yourself), whereas cheese... well, let's just say those commercials commanding us to "behold the power of cheese" didn't come from nowhere.
If you have a craving for cheese, you can usually find some way to satisfy it. Most people have a cheese or cheese product in their fridge or cabinet (Hellooo, Easy Mac) or are in a position to find some. Oral sex is on a regular basis is much more difficult to find. If anyone out there has more oral sex than cheese, you'd better be lactose intolerant or I hate you.
For most people, cutting cheese out of their diet (yes all cheese, every cheese - cream cheese, cheesecake, pizza, brie and crackers) involves depriving themselves of a much larger part of life than if they were to cut out oral sex. Social functions rarely involve fellatio or cunnilingus, whereas if you brought an extremely fancy cheese to a party, people would crowd around you. Spending a lot on cheese is considered classy, whereas spending any money on oral sex is considered just plain dirty.
When choosing a cheese, you generally know what to expect from the name of the cheese. If by some chance you encounter a bad cheese, you can simply spit it out and choose another. If only oral sex were so simple. It's considered fine dining if there is mold on your cheese, but very poor hygiene if there is mold on your person.
My very torn friend, Sarah LaRue, brought up this final point. It's not a bad idea to ask a professor to go for pizza; it lets them know that you are proactive and interested in furthering your academic life. It is a terrible idea to propose oral pleasure. It lets them know you are a dirty ho.
What is the purpose of this argument, you ask? I kind of missed that part of the assignment, but it brought hours of conversation to VOX meetings and various other friends. If you wish to point out the utter cheesiness of these comparisons and ultimate insignificance of this column, just point at the text and chuckle. It's that easy.
Sara Franklin is a sophomore majoring history. She can be reached via e-mail at Sara.Franklin@tufts.edu.
