Sitting with one of my best friends at home this past Saturday night, I found myself deep in conversation. As is typical during school vacations, we were swapping anecdotes and griping about our respective social scenes at school. Both of us have been single for a while, and have been unabashedly mourning the loss of reliable and steady sexual contact. But while talking, we both admitted that, despite our strong, independent personalities, we were sick of the "hookup culture" that defines most colleges.
Now, my friend and I happen to be in slightly different situations at the moment. She is in the midst of a mind-boggling on-again, off-again, mixed-signals, beat-around-the-bush "relationship" (i.e. the two of them occasionally take their witty text messaging banter to the next level, indulging their mutual obsession with food by cooking together and then feasting on one another after dessert). I, on the other hand, have had an unusually anti-social semester. I have had little desire to put myself out there in the singles scene - or at least that's how I felt until recently, when I developed a crush I am dying to act on.
Despite our different angles, my friend and I agreed on one important thing over slices of leftover pumpkin pie and tea: dating, in the true sense of the term, needs to be brought back! This doesn't mean we want roses and love notes (well, not necessarily at least), but what we do want is the freedom to go on real dates. You know, the kind where two people go somewhere alone, whether for coffee, dinner and a movie or just for a walk.
You see, dating allows everything to be laid out on the table. The asker is clearly pursuing, and the invitee shows at least some degree of interest by accepting. Compare this to typical college social scenarios.
We meet people through friends or class, sometimes even via a lucky encounter at a party or a caf?©® The extroverts may go right ahead and "friend" a new acquaintance who they're attracted to on Facebook.com. This could be interpreted as a sort of advance, but let's be honest, don't we mostly "friend" people for reasons other than romantic intrigue? I mean, seriously, most of us are just getting a classmate's number or screen name, seeing what "friends" we have in common or, for the true Facebook.com addicts, just adding to our "friend" count. If Facebook.com is used as a romantic tool, it replaces the asking out.
Think about it. Asking someone on a date used to mean that you wanted to get to know them better; the date was the means by which that goal could be accomplished. But now, before you ask someone to do something one-on-one, a rapport is first established so that the odds of rejection can be decreased by the already-existing liaison.
But let's assume that most of us do not "friend" people we've just met and found ourselves attracted to. That majority of us timidly await another chance encounter, and even if it occurs, struggle for an uncomplicated and upfront way to request some alone time with the object of our affection.
One wishes that it was more common at our age to simply ask someone out. Maybe it's just because someone's interest was caught by a sideways glance or a random act of kindness, but I want to be able to ask someone out or be asked out without knowing the person well beforehand. I want to use the date as my tool to say, "Hey, I'm into you, and I want to do something about it."
And frankly, as a woman, I don't care about being the asker. I just want social norms, as well as guys, to permit me to brazenly call up a crush and say, "Hey, let's do something, just me and you." Hell, I want the cute guy at my regular weekend study coffeehouse who has been glancing at me periodically over his piles of textbooks and notes to act on what I know he's been thinking all afternoon and come over and ask to join me, dammit! Then, all the "does she/he like me?" stuff is taken care of, for the asker at least.
So, to close this rant, with the holiday spirit of love, happiness, and even mistletoe, my friend from home and I implore all of you to BRING BACK THE DATE!
Sara Franklin is a sophomore majoring in history. She can be reached at Sara.Franklin@tufts.edu.
