Welcome to Monday - the last of the year.
Get ready for three weeks of finals and beer.
All about campus, kids are locking it down
You can watch as their smiles segue into frown.
The good times on campus have been all but snuffed out.
The battle for knowledge turning into a rout.
With hundreds of students studying, skimming.
Trying to cram in that last bit of knowledge
In a last-minute effort not to flunk out of college.
Seems winter just got here; there's no snow for your sled.
But Corporate America's always two steps ahead.
The Thanksgiving turkey isn't yet two weeks dead,
And already the sugar plums dance in our head.
'Twas six weeks before Christmas, and already the hype
Has permeated America - this is my gripe.
Three weeks, people, serious - are we insane?
They've all got us thinking about candy canes
And holly and gifts - three weeks in advance!
Any entrepreneur would be peeing his pants.
At the fact the economy has its axles greased
Well before the holiday spending increase.
Lubed up by a populace eager to spend
And primed by a religious, zeal-driven trend.
For an orgy of shopping - damn, it's audacious
How this metaphor's gotten so awfully salacious.
(Incidently, "audacious" was used as a way
So I could throw "salacious" into the fray.
I'm pretty sure audacious was used incorrectly;
E-mail's at the bottom - castigate me directly.)
Back to my rant, back to the corporations
That created these holiday spree conflagrations
It was only Thanksgiving two weekends ago
But supermarkets, stores were already chock full o'
Holiday cheer and music and the like
"Hey, got a nephew? Then buy him this bike!"
"Hey got an uncle? Then maybe he'll need
This cute little blazer that's made out of tweed!"
Thinking I'm dodging the trap, I say "Dude!
I'm not here to shop; I just need to get food!"
"Food, you say food? For the holiday cheer?"
They respond, "Well, my friend, just have a look here!"
"We've got pot roast, its scrumptious, comes right off the bone!"
"I'm here for the turkey, just leave me alone!"
"For turkey?" they ask. "Thanksgiving?" I ask back,
As if they and their cohorts were all snorting crack.
This is what angers me, drives me insane
How shopping for Christmas is made so damn plain
As if it were one of those great facts of life,
Like don't drive while drunk, and don't run with a knife.
The fact is the build up starts well well before
We've thought of a gift, or browsed at the store.
Halloween's over and people freak out,
Because out in the street, there's a literal drought
Of cute little ornaments stuck on the front lawn
The pumpkins are rotting; they induce a yawn.
Get Christmas lights early, what've you got to lose?
Or grab a menorah, for all of you Jews.
Holy crap, don't have gifts yet? Good lord, its October!
Or November, drunk on turkey? Time to get sober!
Go chop down a tree - it'll die in three weeks
But it doesn't have feelings, it's not like it speaks.
Get out there! Start Spending! What would Jesus do?
He'd wish that you'd go waste a dollar or two.
Which isn't quite true. But they say it is, hence
All that gold and that myrrh and that sweet frankincense
Has been twisted around by the corporate behemoth
And been altered into some wild shopping zenith.
It isn't just Christmas, its Chanukah, too.
Don't think you escape this just 'cause you're a Jew.
Except in our case, we have eight special days
that've been turned by the same kind of holiday craze.
I mean, hey, I like presents - everyone does
The only real reason I'm angry is 'cause
The holiday spirit and the gift-giving mood
Is an amorphous blob that expands to include
The months from October to the end of, say, May
And all through that time, there isn't a day,
Where you aren't inundated by some pressure to buy
Or you notice how Christmas lights aren't down. (Sigh)
And that brings us all to the end of my rant; a
Stop to my verse about presents and Santa.
Good luck on your finals, good luck on your test,
Then go out and buy things. With gusto! And zest!
Alex Sherman is a senior majoring in architectural studies. He can be reached via e-mail at alexander.sherman@tufts.edu
