At a difficult school like Tufts, spring break is a welcome hiatus from the rigors of science labs and writing workshops. It is a time to let loose and drop inhibitions for a week of hedonism and debauchery.
Many students spend their vacations sipping on fruity drinks in places like the Bahamas, Miami or Puerto Rico. Others who are spring athletes head down south for warmer conditions in which to play their sports.
I, however, did not venture to a tropical island or a warmer climate. I didn't even make it past Route 2.
I spent my spring break in Medford and had video cameras follow me around - you can all watch it on "Townies Gone Wild."
Why spend all my money on plane tickets and hotel reservations when I have the sights and sounds of the Medford/Somerville area in which to indulge my urges?
While you were in Cancun watching hot girls getting water poured down their white T-shirts at Fat Tuesday's, I was at Powderhouse Pub on Tuesday night, watching fat townies pouring dollar drafts of Natural Ice all over their sexy Champion sweatshirts.
Dance parties at the beach have their perks: bikini-clad college girls, a serious lack of shyness and all the newest dance hits on the radio.
But even with that in mind, I'd still rather partake in dance parties in Medford, where I can rock out to the synchronized choreography of "Cotton Eye Joe" or "Electric Slide" with middle-aged women while wearing warm up pants and a Red Sox jersey (still overdressed).
Townies, by nature, are dance machines, and, with the help of some frosty Pabst Blue Ribbon, they could pass for SOC dancers.
Once again, I'm the exception, for when I dance, people come up to me to make sure I'm not having a seizure or recovering from some sort of debilitating physical injury. Remember, I couldn't even slowly sway in gospel choir.
One thing that has always irked me about tropical spring breaks is that they give people an excuse to imbibe drinks that I despise.
First of all, tequila is basically the national drink for Mexico and pretty much runs the hard liquor racket at spring break.
Jose Cuervo and I do not get along whatsoever, and if I ever meet him again, I will kick his bad-tasting ass (right after I throw up).
Second of all: Fellas, just because you're in paradise doesn't give you a free pass to drink girly adult beverages.
Strawberry daiquiris, although they look delectable and suitable for a beach, blatantly go against Guy Etiquette.
Would you order one at Tavern on the Hill? Yeah, you would - if you were in the mood for a serious beating. Stick to hearty beers and whiskey, for Guy Etiquette states that anything that looks or sounds remotely feminine is strictly out of bounds.
I know you're jealous, but at this point, you're probably justifying your trip by saying, "Yeah, that hunk of a townie may have seen a ton of sweet babes at those bars, but he definitely didn't have tropical beaches."
You got me there... or did you?
You certainly had an amazing time on the coasts of Mexico or Jamaica, but everyone knows the best ocean vistas are found down Route 16 at Revere Beach.
Sure, the water is frigid, the blowout is the predominant haircut and syringes are scattered around your beach chair, but Revere Beach is a nice, little slice of heaven for those whose destination for spring break is Massachusetts.
It would be smart to leave come nightfall, however, unless you want to deal with a car show on the strip with vehicles that look like prop cars from "2 Fast 2 Furious" and drivers who could be mistaken for one of the Gotti kids.
Unfortunately, the weather was a major hindrance to the spring break experience. It was far too cold for a hot body contest for both men and women.
Instead, the contest that reigned supreme for women was "Who can wear more makeup caked on their face to cover up childhood scars?" and, for men, "Who can hook up with the most girls, post-vomiting?" (There were 49 contestants).
The bottom line for people in Medford/Somerville is that they don't need an excuse to go crazy.
Spring break in Medford lasts 365 days a year, no matter what the weather or season. So next time you're thinking of a spring break destination, think Medford.
If you're going to have experiences that you won't remember and will most likely regret, you might as well do it for free.
