In the United States, there isn't a better place to be on St. Patrick's Day than in the Boston area. Our basketball team is called the Celtics, and I think Saint Patrick himself actually grew up in Medford and attended Tufts.
With this in mind, people at Tufts need to make sure that if they celebrate the holiday, they celebrate it correctly. Once again, I'll act as the guide, for I'm not just a townie; I'm also Irish. Plus, I'm pretty sure it's a smart move to listen to anyone whose last name begins with an O' or, in my case, a McK (the second capital letter is basically a certificate of authenticity for my comments). So here is how an Irish Townie spends his St. Patty's Day.
9 a.m. Alarm sounds, hopefully to the sweet sounds of "Sunday Bloody Sunday." If a U2 song is on, pound two beers, for it is Irish karma that must be appeased by imbibing some lager. If not, pound one beer; you have a lot of catching up to do - you're definitely behind.
Now it's time to get dressed. Many people go the route of a "Kiss me, I'm Irish" T-shirt. That's commendable, but it has been done. If you wear this slogan, you're just being unoriginal. Personally, I'd normally go the route of my "I'm not as think as you drunk I am" T-shirt slogan. In a twist of irony, however, that one was ruined by a fit of vomit (don't ask), so anything green will do. (Note: A shower is completely optional, but once again, precious beer time is being wasted, so bring a minimum of two beers into the shower with you to stay on pace).
10 a.m. Breakfast time. I love Lucky Charms, and what better day to eat them? Got milk? Me neither; that's why I'm eating mine with some tasty Guinness. This beer will add a protective lining to the stomach and fill you up the same way a 12-ounce filet mignon would.
After breakfast, you'll most likely have some time to kill before going to a bar, so some Irish Car Bombs are in order to really get the day into action.
For those of you who don't know what an Irish Car Bomb is, the car part is about a half-pint of Guinness, and the bomb part is a half a shot of Bailey's and a half a shot of Irish whiskey (preferably Jameson).
Do upwards of four of these before leaving your house, and don't forget to chug them fast - you'll be drinking pudding before going to the bar.
11 a.m. Get your bearings, try not to vomit and call a cab. You might think you can drive now, but in two hours you won't be able to spell 'car.' There are many viable bars to go to in the city of Somerville, but I would go to the Burren. There will be a line, and it will be crowded, seeing as it opens at 8 a.m. on this hallowed day.
If you're one for venturing into Boston, I've frequented the Trinity in Faneuil Hall many a time with my brothers, and it is always a good time.
On St. Patrick's Day, they bring in an Irish singer by the name of Jack Dalton who once called me out in the middle of a song for blatantly being a teenager. The bar laughed in unison, and some old guy bought me a shot. Great bar.
Noon. You've been at the bar for a good hour now, so I'm assuming you've done around five car bombs and an assortment of other drinks: It's time to take a break. Order a light beer or two; they will go down like water would to a runner after the marathon. Still, try not to break the seal and go to the bathroom.
There are two reasons: One, you do not want to have to go to a gross, urine-infested bathroom three times every hour for the rest of the day, and two, this is a war zone for drunk Irish townies.
By noon, they'll be so drunk that they'll be falling all over the place.
If they fall on you, you'll be the one to blame and fisticuffs will most likely ensue. Unless, of course, you have mace in the form of whiskey: Pour this in their mouths, and they will be immediately placated and subdued.
1 p.m. This is the point of no return for my St. Patty's Day. By this time of the day, I can't tell you what I'll be doing or where I will be.
I don't actually remember anything from this time on for any St. Patrick's Day in the past few years.
I'm assuming I had fun and drank more. So make sure to do that, because St. Patrick's Day in Medford/Somerville will definitely be the best day you'll never remember.<$>
