This viewpoint is directed to the 34 to 38 percent of Americans who, according to recent polling data, still approve of the job George Bush is doing as President of the United States.
First of all, congratulations on your loyalty! It is inspiring to see such a display. You are the sort of people who would go down with a sinking ship, stay in bed while your house burned down around you, follow the Tampa Bay Devil Rays for a full year, or sit through the uncut DVD version of "From Justin to Kelly." I commend you. However, these next few months will not be easy. With a war gone wrong, the media catching on to the administration's half-truths, and law enforcement officers catching up to corrupt congressmen, the faithful will have their mettle tested in the near future. Because it would be a shame to see such brilliant self-deception wither under the oppressive heat of reality, I offer a manual to help the chosen few survive with their beliefs, heroes, and pride intact.
When presented with the specter of a nascent civil war in Iraq:
Deny, deny, deny. If you didn't see it, it never happened. In fact, if you pay other people (whether they were there or not) to say it didn't happen, then you're all set. This works as well to deny sectarian violence as it does to tarnish the integrity of war heroes.
Do yourself a favor and stop watching the news. The mainstream media is out to brainwash you anyway. It is all part of their plan to take the country and turn it over to a government-owned company from Dubai - oh wait. Anyway, this leads to the next suggestion.
Blame the media for losing the war. That's right. Anderson Cooper, Keith Olbermann, and even Larry King have been conspiring under the leadership of Dan Rather to sabotage the U.S. military. We do not know the specifics quite yet, but it looks like part of their plan was to destroy the Brooklyn Bridge using only wire-cutters, Tostitos salsa (medium), an alternating electrical current, three rubber bands, and a silk shirt.
Thanks to a warrantless wiretap on Oprah's phone, this plot never came to fruition, but you can be sure that even less ambitious and more sinister efforts to undermine the Iraq war are now underway. These may include, but are not limited to: showing video footage of newsworthy violent events in Iraq, questioning the veracity of Scott McClellan's statements, questioning the depth of Scott McClellan's intellect, reporting on the ways in which Iraq does not even remotely resemble a sovereign state, failing to celebrate the ways in which Iraq does not completely resemble a Hobbesian state of nature, and finally reporting falsified polling data which directly contradicts the sentiments of the silent majority. Everyone knows the silent majority does not respond to telephone surveys.
Others to be blamed for losing the war:
The Democrats. Obviously.
The Iraqi people. Like the President says, when they stand up, we will stand down. It is not our fault they refuse to stand up for themselves. They are just like those lazy welfare recipients.
Seventy-eight year old Austin attorney Harry Whittington.
New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. He must be involved somehow.
The quail.
Finally, if you are desperate (or named Pat Roberston), blame Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal. God was completely supportive of the invasion of Iraq, like He told Rev. Robertson before the war started. But God must have seen "Brokeback Mountain," because He seems much less enthusiastic now.
Under no circumstances should you engage the problem and search for real solutions. This would distract from the important and time-consuming work of exonerating your heroes by assigning blame to everyone and anyone, as long as they had nothing whatsoever to do with planning and executing the invasion of Iraq. And besides, you would probably only make a bigger mess of things.
Responding to revelations that Bush administration officials have been fibbing for the last few years - about everything from the things they knew to the type of beer they drank before shooting a 78 year old man in the face with a shotgun - is also important in order to maintain the morale of the conservative movement in the stormy months ahead. Some suggestions for quieting your conscience in the face of some of the most blatant lies:
President Bush, April 20, 2004: "When we're talking about chasing down terrorists, we're talking about getting a court order before we do so. It's important for our fellow citizens to understand, when you think Patriot Act, constitutional guarantees are in place when it comes to doing what is necessary to protect our homeland, because we value the Constitution." Well, President Bush was pretty clearly full of baloney here. Valuing the Constitution? Getting a court order? He must have slipped for a moment into a 9/10 mindset. It was, after all, 4/20, so cut the guy some slack.
President Bush, four days after Hurricane Katrina's landfall in New Orleans: "I don't think anybody anticipated the breech of the levees." By the magic of video, we know that the President himself was warned on Aug. 28 that a breech of the levees was a distinct possibility. Was the President lying? Couldn't have been. Jesus wouldn't lie. It is much, much more likely that President Bush, Texas-bred, brush-clearing country bumpkin that he is, simply does not know the meaning of such an Eastern, elitist word as "anticipate." Is this really that hard to believe?
Finally, what do you do when your GOP saints start going on trial and ending up in the slammer, simply for applying the invisible hand to the halls of Congress? This one is easy. As long as you, along with most of America, think that quid pro quo is something you might order from Kee Kar Lau, you have nothing to worry about. Just blame the media and those dirty partisan liberals in the Justice Department.
Steven Ward is a senior majoring in international relations.
