While we mused over our lists of this year's Oscar nominees, we realized that there are some people out there who will just never win that golden statue. Whether they're untalented, unlucky or unactors, these ten individuals should just kiss their hopes of giving a "You really like me!" speech goodbye.
Paul Giamatti
Paul Giamatti has tried everything. First, he appeared in "Sideways" (2004), perhaps the most critically acclaimed - and therefore snobbiest - movies of the past two years. When that didn't pan out, he co-starred in what is probably the most populist movie of the last few years, the feel-good boxing drama "Cinderella Man." If this border-line jingoistic Russell Crowe movie can't win, Giamatti won't even have a shot at Oscar if he dresses up like Uncle Sam and boxes terrorists for two hours in his next movie.
Dame Judi Dench
Oh wait, never mind; apparently the Academy likes the Dame even better than Sally Field. But just think: she's been nominated five times in the past nine years and only taken home one little gold statue. Odds are, the 246-year-old Dame probably won't stick around long enough to take home another one, mostly because rival/life partner Maggie Smith will smother her in her sleep.
Martin Scorsese
Put it this way: since the Red Sox and White Sox have both won World Series titles, the only way the universe has managed not to implode is by always dangling the Oscar carrot just out of Marty's reach. Plus, if "Raging Bull," "The Last Temptation of Christ," "Goodfellas," "Age of Innocence," "Gangs of New York," and "The Aviator" couldn't get you a win, so you really think the seventh time will be a charm?
Lance Armstrong
Hard work (and superhuman aerodynamicism) will only get you so far.
Susan Lucci
If it took 19 Emmy nominations for her to garner a win, frankly, we don't have time to wait around for the 59-year-old Lucci to try again in the Oscar ring.
Ronald Reagan
He starred in such Academy-worthy masterpieces as "Love Is On the Air" (1937), "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957), "Bedtime for Bonzo" (1951), and the latter's sequel, "Bonzo Goes to College" (1952), among others. In his first major offscreen role as Screen Actors Guild president, he enlightened the public to the communist infiltration of the film industry. Unfortunately, that didn't even earn him a Golden Globe - so other notable achievements include "Reaganomics" (a nomination for Best Title), and a steady oil flow during the Iran/Iraq war (Best Prop?). He might even be Dubya's personal idol aside from Daddy Bush (who needs those damn taxes, anyway?!). But contrary to popular belief, Ronald Reagan did not single-handedly dissolve the Soviet Union - and he ain't gonna be winning no Oscar, either.
Michelle Kwan
The Academy demands a double-axle-flip-jump-spin-hand-clap combination in the long program to clinch the Gold (statuette). And nobody likes a quitter, Michelle - especially quitters with strained hip ligaments and groin injuries.
Mary-Kate Olsen
Ashley's great, but let's face it: Mary-Kate's a hack. Turns out Ashley had to shoulder the weight of her less talented twin back in their "Full House" days: Mary-Kate wasn't "talkative" enough so Ash had to take on the scenes with more lines. We even heard that Mary-Kate used to cry when Ashley came on set, proving that she's had an inferiority complex from day one.
Ben Affleck
Yeah, we know he technically already won one, but who counts writing?
Paul Walker
Despite testimonials insisting on his stirring performances in "Eight Below" and "Running Scared," we're not convinced. We'll give him credit for always taking chances in his choice of diverse roles - from the innocent jock in "Pleasantville" (1998) to the misogynistic jock in "She's All That" (1999) to the entitled jock in "The Skulls" (2000) to the deep-sea diving jock in "Into the Blue" (2005), Walker is truly a jock of all trades.
