I remember my first semester here at Tufts quite distinctly: My son Reece was eight months old and had the first of many chronic ear infections, and I missed a lot of classes. Since I could not bring him to daycare with a fever, and my family lives a few thousand miles away, it was the first time I had to choose between my role as a mom and being a student at Tufts. So I would bring him to class sometimes and sit in the back, embarrassed and wondering if he was being too disruptive.
Most of my days were spent going to class and changing diapers, and my nights and early mornings were spent studying and writing papers. Not only did I have to worry about the state of capitalism and democracy in Japan, education reform in New Hampshire and Massachusetts in the late 1990s, and learning algebra and trigonometry, but I was also learning how to decipher the pitch of Reece's cry as a way of knowing what he wanted.
While other students in their first semester were dealing with the drama of painful breakups with their mates back home, I was dealing with custody and child-support battles.
As a way of connecting with other students on campus and keeping myself sane, I joined the Tufts Democrats and started working on John Kerry's campaign. I would bring my son to meetings and campaign events.
Later on, during the primaries, I'd bring him up to New Hampshire, and in the sub-zero temperatures, I would strap him to my chest in a snuggly and knock on doors for Kerry in order to keep my winter internship with the campaign. This involvement was the genesis for my commitment to democratic politics - and my crusade to provide representation for other single parents, a crusade in which I am still actively.
Reece is now three years old, and I am finally going to graduate in May. Over the years I have made many friends here at Tufts, and none of them have kids. This whole time at Tufts I have been walking across campus thinking that I am the only undergrad who is a parent.
There are a few other single moms who are in my program for older students, but their kids are nine and older. Some of them have been a lifeline for me, but some have become over-burdened by the stress of work, kids, and school and had to take time off. While my undergrad friends want to help me out and have been great about babysitting in a pinch, it is hard to feel alone on a campus of thousands.
As a mom on campus, I can't go to Fall Ball or Spring Fling, and no one wants to see my stretch marks in the Naked Quad Run, either. I feel like my primary role in life is to be a good mom and raise my son, but at the same time I know that in order to give him the best life possible, I need to complete my education.
My "real life" friends are all single moms, but they are either working in dead-end jobs just to get by or on welfare because they cannot afford child care (which is $1,000 per month) and don't have the support necessary to go back to school.
When I got pregnant with my son I had to drop out of UMass Boston, go on Medicaid and move in with my parents. Instead of saying congratulations, everyone said my life was over. All my friends pretty much dropped to the wayside because we no longer had stuff in common.
Since I did not have any money to buy clothing and things to prepare for my son, I started a grassroots network for single moms so we could support each other and share our resources. We would send each other clothes, toys, books, formula and coupons to help each other out. Most of all we were there for each other. They encouraged me to apply to other schools and to pursue my dreams and let me know that I could be a parent and a lawyer or what ever else I wanted to be. They got me through the toughest months of my life and inspired me to be a better person, mother and leader in the community.
As women and minorities have made strides since the Civil Rights Movement and the Women's Movement, one group that has not moved ahead is mothers. We are the lowest-paid and least desirable to hire despite our level of education, because employers know we will have twice as many sick days (when we are sick or our children are we have to take days off).
We cannot stay late or come in early because of childcare issues. Ninety percent of the people on welfare are single mothers and their children. Single moms in the higher levels of education at places like Tufts are truly a rarity, because we have not found a way to reconcile the role of parenting with that of being a student.
A couple weeks ago, I found out that there are other single moms on campus just like me. I was in total shock to find out I am not alone. It got me thinking about what I could do to help other undergrads, and I have decided to start an organization on campus to get us all together. It would have made a huge difference to me these past few years to just know that someone like me was sitting in my class. I feel like, if we are going to move ahead and succeed in this world, as well as raise healthy happy children, we need to help each other out. We need to bond together and beat the odds by sharing our resources and showing each other how to succeed. There is absolutely no reason why we cannot create "The Village" to raise our children together right here at Tufts.
I want to hold the first meeting on Friday afternoon around 4 p.m. This will be a family-friendly environment where we can feel comfortable bringing our kids and sharing our issues and stories. Together we can find ways to advocate and enable present and future generations of Tufts moms and cross the finish line to graduation with our families beside us instead of hidden in the background.
If you are a single parent at Tufts and you are reading this, email me so we can start working together. If you are reading this and you know a single parent on campus who might be interested, encourage them to e-mail me and come on Friday to the meeting. Slip this article under their door if you are uncomfortable talking to them about it.
We need to reach out to each other and optimize our resources if we are going to reach our potential as students and parents. If you are an undergraduate parent on this campus, please email me at anne.stevenson@tufts.edu.
