Am I the only person incredibly freaked out by the 11-year-old girls who don Paul Pierce jerseys during timeouts of Celtics games and dance as if the TD Bank North Garden were the red light district? I never hear anyone talking about them, but things like this deserve press. So that's why I decided that instead of following up last week's MVP column with one dispensing other traditional end-of-the-season awards, I should create some honors of my own. We all know that Chris Paul is going to be Rookie of the Year, so the time has come to name some less conventional superlatives.
Let's start with the biggest surprise of the season. This award goes to Charlie Villanueva, the rookie forward from UConn who was grabbed by Toronto with the seventh pick of last year's draft. With guys like Channing Frye, Luther Head, and Danny Granger still on the board, Charlie was projected to be this year's Darko-an eventual disappointment as he was ridiculously overestimated by a confused General Manager. But Charlie responded as well as one could have to such harsh criticism; he made it his mission to live up to his lottery pick status and has exceeded even Toronto's expectations. He moved into the starting lineup 26 games ago, and last week, he scored 48 points in 46 minutes against Milwaukee.
Runner up is not the obvious story of the Clippers actually being good. They've got a veteran all-star point guard and one of the top five power forwards in the league; it would have been a surprise if they had continued to constitute the worst of the West. The real runner up here is Phoenix winning without Amare. I guess Marion and Nash really are that good.
The most heartwarming story of the year award goes to T.J. Ford. The University of Texas star was drafted by the Milwaukee Bucks in 2003 and, for 55 games, looked like he was well on his way to becoming one of the league's elite point guards. Then disaster struck. While playing in a game against Minnesota, T.J. fell on his back and had to be wheeled off the court on a stretcher. He suffered a severe back injury that required serious surgery, extreme dedication to rehabilitative training and the incredible patience of watching his team struggle while his guaranteed rookie contract nearly expired.
But T.J. couldn't have had a better return. He has started 63 games for Milwaukee this year, the Bucks have picked up his fourth-year option, and he has been averaging 12 points, four rebounds, and seven assists a game. Most importantly, for the first time in ages, Milwaukee is in the playoffs.
Third on the list is the award for biggest disappointment of the season, which Larry Brown wins in a landslide. Who knew that when a top-notch point guard, three solid rookies, one of the NBA's top markets, and one of the most highly acclaimed coaches of our generation joined forces, the resulting unit would struggle to win 20 games?
While all these awards are fairly predictable, the truth is that they only relate to part of what's involved in the NBA. As anyone who has seen any bit of a recent game knows, the league has tried to reorganize its product so that in addition to providing basketball games, it also offers entertainment. Thus, I feel obligated to give an award for the oddest spectacle to occur on a basketball court during an NBA game this season. This proved to be the closest race yet, and ultimately I decided that I had to name two winners.
The first recipients of this award are the elementary school girls dubbed Lil' Phunk who shake their laffy taffy during many Celtics home games. I promise: this is a real phenomenon.
Red Auerbach has laid down the law: the Celtics are not allowed to have dancers like every other team in the league because he thinks that short-skirted high kickers are inappropriate adornments to a basketball game. Since he is basically the godfather of the Celtics, the organization has to respect his wishes, but their attempts to reconcile Red's demands with those of the fans have been nothing short of disastrous. The compromise is that girls who are clearly out past their bedtimes march onto the court in Paul Pierce jerseys and dance to songs with lyrics I only hope they don't yet understand. You'd think that this ridiculous exhibition would have this award all locked up, but surprisingly, they have to share the podium with another act...
...Which consists of two men who dress entirely in spandex and hold each other's bodies up in remarkably compromising positions while techno music plays in the background. They are introduced as "brothers," but considering the placement of their hands during the vast majority of the act, I seriously hope that this is a misnomer. I either have the worst luck ever or there is a serious shortage of halftime acts, because I've seen this same one at about three quarters of the basketball games I've attended in the last four years.
At first, I mostly saw them at Mavericks games, so I just thought they had something going on with Mark Cuban. Not shocking. But a couple of months ago I saw them at a Celtics game. Apparently, the spandex brothers have gone national, and that's deserving of some real recognition.
These halftime and timeout shows don't really float my boat, but I guess what they say is true - the NBA really does have something for everyone.
