It feels so much better without a condom," many men say. And so we all believed. I have always considered condoms a necessary precaution, and yet a sort of punishment. Yes, you can sleep with me, but no, it will not be as pleasurable as it could be because you have to wear a condom; I'm sorry, but it just has to be done.
This is how I've been thinking since I became sexually active. But last Tuesday, I had a new perspective presented to me. A gay male friend of mine told me that condoms do not especially change sensation during sex. I scoffed, of course they do! How did I know?, he asked me. Well, um... guys have told me. My ex-boyfriend, the only person with whom I've ever had both protected and unprotected sex, told me. It must feel different; his penis is coated with a latex barrier. No, no, my friend insisted, it doesn't make much difference at all.
"Take giving and getting head, for example. The whole reason it feels good is because of the warmth and the sucking sensation. Condoms don't prevent that, that's why I get so annoyed when guys say they don't want to use one," he said.
Now, this rocked my world. I mean, if my friend is right (and thus far, he is the only one to have given me this perspective), guys' pity card for not using a condom is gone. Presumably, if receiving oral sex feels just as good with a condom as without, if the warmth and the movements are really what do it for guys, then penetrative sex shouldn't be any different.
I was still pondering this on Friday, and so I brought it up with a couple of friends of mine: "Amy" and "Jen." Amy said that she is positive condoms make a tremendous difference in terms of sensation. "I had always agreed," I told her, "until I was told, by a man who has sex with other men, otherwise. It's pretty hard not to believe him; he wouldn't just make that up." Jen had a different perspective. "Condoms are so thin now," she argued, "that it can't make much difference." Although our conversation went on for a while, we came to no conclusion. After all, how could we? We're not the ones wearing the condoms.
For the sake of discussion, let's assume that my friend was right, that condoms don't make much difference in terms of sexual sensation. Why, then, are guys (and even some girls) so condom-phobic? Is it the gap between foreplay and sex that occurs when you have to stop and put on a condom? Is it the mental knowledge that an incredibly intimate act is becoming somehow less intimate by putting a border in between the skin-on-skin contact of sex? Or is it really an ego thing: that it feels more "badass" or sexier to go without protection? Let me counter each of those as best I can.
That little gap between foreplay and sex doesn't have to be a gap at all. Sure, it can be a real turn-off to pause, search around for a condom, and then fumble with putting it on correctly. A little planning (aka having a box of condoms next to your bed or in your bag when you go out) can prevent the searching aspect. And there's no reason it has to be so awkward. Having a partner put a condom on a man can be incredibly erotic; it's a chance to watch, touch and consider what you're about to engage in.
Next: sex becoming less intimate. There's really not a whole lot that's more intimate than sex. And if an extremely thin layer of a material that warms, moves, slips easily over skin with a little natural or man-made lubricant can take the intimacy out of sex for you, you're crazy. Some condoms now can even enhance sensation, both for women and men. There are condoms that help men last longer, condoms that create tingling sensations, textured condoms... the list goes on and on. Great sex can be had with condoms, this I know for a fact, both from my own perspective and from those of past partners.
But I'm most concerned with the last reason. There is nothing I find less sexy than a partner who thinks that we are somehow invincible, that STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and pregnancy aren't real risks. In today's world, college students are at a high risk to contract STIs. And a lot of STIs are really scary; not only do they mean you have to (or at least should) have a rather uncomfortable conversation with any future sexual partners you may have, but many are painful, disgusting, can pose risks to fertility, and raise the risk of cervical cancer in women (i.e., HPV). In terms of pregnancy, with the "morning after pill" and abortion under the attack of pro-lifers more and more every day, preventing unwanted pregnancy should be at the top of partners' lists of priorities.
If we're going to engage in recreational sex, which I'm a big proponent of, we need to accept the responsibilities that come with it. To me, that means taking all the precautions necessary to keep our sex lives worry free and safe. No, as a woman, I'll never know whether condoms dramatically change the way sex feels. And will I still feel like I'm putting a cap on some of the fun for my partner when we pause to put on a condom? Yes. But I think my guilt levels will go down a little from now on, knowing - as I already have - that sex is still fantastic with condoms, and with my newfound knowledge that, according to some, that act is just as good as without.
