Barring a miracle, this looks to be the last sports-related article I will ever have the privilege to pen. So with that in mind I decided to come full circle and end by paying tribute to the man who started this whole sports journalism kick of mine: Mike Lupica.
Lupica was known as one of the premier sportswriters in the U.S. before he made the unfortunate mistake of opening his mouth on ESPN's "The Sports Reporters." You know the old saying that some people have a face for radio? Well, let's just say Lupica has a voice for print.
But before his dabbling in television, Lupica was known as the angry voice of the New York Daily News, and no column epitomized his whiney whit better than the weekly "Shooting from the Lip." A smorgasbord of one-liners and opinions about sports and life, this column was my veritable bible growing up. So with that said, I present to you my own humble impersonation of Lupica's legendary lip...
TU sports found themselves fifth in the standings of the U. S. Sports Academy Director's Cup after a stellar winter season. Impressive, but it may be more impressive that Tufts actually dropped to fifth from fourth place after the fall season. What an amazing year for Tufts sports... Too bad the ranking will take a big hit after a disappointing spring season. Unless, of course, softball can get over its early exit in the NESCAC tourney and do its best women's soccer impression... "What is the Director's Cup?" you ask, "And how is it calculated?" Let's just say it's about as arbitrary as it is pointless.
Beirut is a drinking game, but die is a drinking sport.
How much longer until TU Lax officially becomes the "Red Sox" foil to Middlebury's "Yankees" (pre-2004 of course)?... Constantly fielding a quality team. The "This is the year we get over the hump" mantra flowing in the stands. Always so painfully close before the inevitable disappointment... Three of the past four years TU's season has ended at the hands of the Panthers. You have to really feel for the seniors... The last time Tufts beat Middlebury? The archives don't go back that far... 86 years?... What could have made the difference for the Jumbos against Middlebury this year? How about a veteran goalie, like, say, Luke Chicco?... Too bad he lost a year of eligibility by playing a measly few minutes in a non-conference game down in Florida his freshman year. Or maybe it's just too bad that somebody remembered.
Thanks to the prep school year becoming the rule instead of the exception in some college sports, does age really matter anymore?... When a 47-year-old man named Julio can still hit a 95 mph fastball and a 13-year-old girl named Michelle can make it to the final pairing of an LPGA tournament it seems that nowadays more than ever... "Age ain't nothing but a number." - R. Kelly... So it shouldn't come as a surprise that your average graduating Tufts hockey player is just a handful of years from receiving his first social security check. Just a sign of the times.
Best birthday card I ever got: "Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe."
A sports-related change that needs to happen: Hire Dale Sveum (aka the Human Windmill) to lead the NQR and have him stationed somewhere outside of Carmichael. The former Sox third base coach won't have anything better to do during the winter. And he won't have any problem happily waving around even the most jaw-dropplingly awful human specimens Tufts has to offer. It's the job he was born to do... He's completely insane... And the worst Tufts has to offer is quite possibly the worst in the Boston area. Which would put them high in the running worldwide... Svuem "resigned" to go to the Brewers like Richard Nixon "resigned" to start his memoirs early... That will bump the number of pseudo-famous people attending the NQR up to two: Svuem and everyone's favorite camera-toting, omelet-making, Guapo-frequenting, illegal fruit-smuggling, 215-stalking Renaissance man, Yassar... But he still sells a damn good sweatshirt.
Here's to the World Cup. It might be the only major sporting event where America isn't the odds on favorite. Yet everyone still hates us... And because of that the current Gatorade commercial is fantastic.
The Senior Fund sounds a little too much like the Human Fund for me to take it seriously and actually donate money.
Club I wish I founded: Tufts "Jumbo skeet"-shooting. Why? To see the look on one of those frolf-playing kid's faces when the Frisbee he just tossed explodes like a seagull after running into a 98 mph fastball from Randy Johnson. For all the times I've stumbled out of Eaton at 2 a.m. to find a few kids with nothing better to do than throw a Frisbee at a tree.
Thanks. You've been a lovely audience.
Cole Liberator is a senior majoring in history. He can be reached via e-mail at cole.liberator@tufts.edu.
