26 and 1: two numbers never to be used in the same sentence in Boston. As a senior, this is one of the many pieces of advice I can give incoming students when interacting with Red Sox fans.
I was inspired to spread my knowledge of Red Sox Nation after learning that my friend is taking a class on golf etiquette for the businessman as part of his university's business school. As ridiculous as this class may sound, it teaches logical skills for succeeding in the business world. After all, how much does one's in-depth knowledge of economics matter if he does not know whether to use a 5- or 7-iron or when it is proper to drink on the course?
In Boston, the knowledge of how to deal with Red Sox fans far surpasses the need for golf etiquette in getting ahead. After immersing myself in Sox culture by spending sleepless nights reading Bill Simmons columns, drinking all the varieties of Sam Adams, memorizing "The Boondock Saints" and "Good Will Hunting," and cramming myself into Fenway Park, followed by going home to watch the replay of the game on NESN, I have discovered the important lessons that all first-year students need to know.
Here are some notes on understanding Red Sox Nation:
The Red Sox are the biggest inspiration for violence in Boston. Massachusetts' political history has led to it being regarded as one of the most liberal states in the country. The state prides itself on being open to a variety of lifestyles and supporting different backgrounds-unless that lifestyle includes not rooting for the Sox.
Support for the Red Sox is one issue that not even John Kerry will flip-flop on, as he proved in an interview where he expressed his undying support for his favorite player, Manny Ortiz. Still, Kerry was there in spirit. In fact, I hear rumors that the Massachusetts State Supreme Court is about to remove "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance and replace it with "under Sox."
The only fights I have ever seen in Boston have been inspired by some ignorant bigots who have the nerve to wear a Yankees hat or cheer against the Red Sox at a bar. The gangs of Red Sox fans who pound these villains are not punished by the police, but instead are given Red medals.
If the Red Sox lose, stay out of the path of mourning Red Sox fans, as they are capable of lashing out at any time. If the Red Sox win, stay out of the way of celebrating Red Sox fans, because you never know when they will begin a celebration riot involving lighting random objects on fire on the Residential Quad. Basically, after a Sox game, make contact with true fans at your own risk.
Another lesson I can pass on is that Red Sox Nation has psychological problems relating to the Yankees. I went to see the Sox play the Braves in Atlanta and a group of Boston fans celebrated every good play by their saviors with chants of "Yankees Suck." The celebrations for the Patriots winning the Superbowl culminated with rioters screaming, "Yankees Suck!"
My in-depth knowledge of psychology (my brother is a psych major, and I once read an article by Freud for "Intro to IR") has led me to the conclusion that Red Sox Nation is suffering from a serious inferiority complex. Sox fans are always attempting to elevate their accomplishments at the expense of the Yankees.
This affects your life. If, at 3 a.m., you hear a guy screaming, "Yankees Suck!" then don't go a-knockin'. Also, never betray Boston for the Yankees. After Johnny Damon bolted Boston for riches and a decent haircut in New York, I'm sure the Boston School Board was considering eliminating all references to Benedict Arnold in history books' sections on American traitors so that lessons could focus on Damon.
For you, this means that some sins are forgivable. But leaving the Sox for the Yankees turns you from Jesus to Judas in Boston.
Boston is an exciting city. Every step you take, you'll find yourself surrounded by history and culture. During baseball season, however, tread carefully. When dealing with the Red Sox, people in Boston make as much sense as an Ali G interview. If you recognize the landmines in your path, you can avoid being thrown down the well.
Craig Kunkes is senior majoring in political science.
