The trend of the month seems to be complaining about Facebook. But personally, I think everyone's missing the big joke. So, dear reader, divert your attention from whatever class you're in and join me for a little conspiracy theory. I call it, "Mark Zuckerberg knows exactly what he's doing. And I love him for it."
Some people say Facebook has gotten too creepy. Some people think that Facebook has actually improved and that it never was about privacy to begin with. Some people want those other two groups to shut up. They all may be right. They all may be wrong. What I know is this: Facebook has become post-modernly self-aware, almost to the point of perfection.
Before, Facebook was a part of everyone's life. Now, Facebook is everyone's life. Facebook has gone from a mere tool used to track other people to feeding upon itself in the most masturbatory of fashions. It's really quite beautiful, if you take a step back and look at it.
In the beginning, Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook. And it was good. This new Web site grew so popular that it spread to various other colleges. And Zuckerberg added walls and groups and parties, and there was much rejoicing. And it was good.
Then pictures were added to the Facebook. And profiles were soon brimming with images of students drinking and in various states of undress. And it was good. Then companies began to look at these pictures. And the people soon realized that a Facebook profile could get you into trouble. And it was not so good.
And it was here Zuckerberg realized that Facebook could control the people, instead of the other way around.
Though before Facebook would rule the world, it would have to rule itself. This meant that Facebook's main concern would no longer be everyone's favorite movie or most popular club ... but Facebook itself.
So Zuckerberg introduced the status feature. The Great Ploy continued when Facebook seized control of its own groups. Really, do any of the people in "The Largest Group Ever" or "If this group reaches 157,038 people, I will replace my liver with a pancake" have anything in common? No. Only their mutual Facebook love and obedience. They were in groups for group's sake. The pawns were all moving into place.
And, on Sept. 5, 2006, Zuckerberg made his biggest move yet: news feed. Do you think he expected such a drastic change, made completely without warning, to be taken quietly?
We cried. We screamed. And we rioted the only way we knew how to anymore: through Facebook, through his control.
It's only a matter of time before there are Facebook holidays and churches and wars between the "Biggest Group Ever"s. And then the eventual MySpace.com Inquisition ... don't even get me started.
I don't write this grudgingly; I'm actually looking forward to it. A nation, a world, finally united under His Holiness, Mark Zuckerberg. He has made his monster self-aware, self-sufficient and in complete control of a generation. You gotta give credit where credit's due.Devin Toohey is a sophomore majoring in Classics. He can be reached at Devin.Toohey@tufts.edu.
