Names are a funny thing. They are often our trademark, our stamp by which people know us. They provide us with a certain flavor or flare, and yet we really have no say whatsoever in the choice of our names.
I have recently come to terms with the fact that we are at the complete and utter mercy of our parents, who are probably still pissed off at their parents for giving them such lame names. I have found throughout my life, especially while in college, that I am really bad with remembering other people's names.
My friend has identical twin sisters. And, although I've known them for 10 years, I still can't tell them apart. And it would be fine if there was some sort of circumstantial device. Like, if Annie was a racecar driver and Marla did ballet, I'd see one of the twins with a helmet and say, "Oh, hello, Annie. How's racecar driving going?" Or I'd see the other twin in a tutu and say, "Hi, Marla, how's your ballet career?"
Instead, when I see one of them, I have to rely completely on information that pertains to both twins during our conversations and just pray that they introduce themselves to someone else while we're talking.
One of my biggest fears is that I'll get married and my wife will become pregnant with identical twins. I know I'd be deathly afraid that I'd mix them up and traumatize them for life.
So I finally thought of a little strategy that put me at ease. In case of twins, I will tattoo a little triangle on one of their big toes. Of course, it will be really easy to tell them apart when they're little, but I think it might get a little awkward when my daughters are 15 and one of them asks, "Dad, can you take me to the mall?"
And I respond, "Let me see your right foot. Yes ... Stacy. I will take you to the mall."
I work behind the desk at the Fitness Center during the year. Most of the time, I don't have to give ID cards back to people when they approach the desk, but, sometimes, I'll take over the card duties. It's always a little weird when someone who I've known since freshman year comes over and stares at me expecting their ID back.
So, I often have to suck it up, squint my eyes like I'm staring into a brutally hot sun, and say, "Sorry, dude, what's your last name again?"
Conversely, there are those people whose names you theoretically should not know. You've never been introduced, you don't have any mutual friends, but for some reason or another, you recognize their faces and immediately their names come to mind.
You have to be careful and pretend that you do not know such people; otherwise, they will assuredly think that you are a creep.
I was working on a group project once in a small class. There were about 10 of us in the class, three students in my group. And my group was exchanging e-mail addresses and cell phone numbers with one another. I was punching one of the kids' numbers into my phone when, on the last digit, I realized, "I don't know this guy's name."
The thing was, it was the last month of school; I couldn't just come out and ask him. So I tried to act really smooth, and I nonchalantly asked, "How do you spell it?"
He looked at me with his eyebrows raised and said, "Ben?" And in a futile attempt to cover my tracks, I said, "So two N's or
what?"
I guess it's a little awkward if you go to a funeral and can't exactly remember the name of the guy who died. But, let's be honest, he's probably not going to lose too much sleep over it. Plus,
the will has already been drawn up. And guess what? I got the beach house!
In the end, I have decided that names don't make the man, nor does the man really make the name.
Let's face it: There are no good or bad names. You know just as many dorky, Dungeons and Dragons-loving kids named Kyle as you do varsity athletes named Kyle.
So the next time you forget someone's name, be creative and come up with a new one for them on the spot. And that will just be your special name for them.
Or you can just do what I do: sit silently, bite your lip and think to yourself, "Man, I'm awkward."
