Dear SOS,
Why is it that I feel like I can never actually get CLEAN at college? Regardless of how many times I shower or what percentage of germs Purell really eliminates from my palms, I still feel like I've been chilling in a sanitation plant for the past seven hours. And this phenomenon is not solely in my head: last Parents' Weekend my mom took me to a spa under the guise of a need for "relaxation," when really I think she just wanted to get me into one of those complimentary guest service showers! SOS, can you help me clean up my act?
Sincerely,
Grimy Gal
Dear Grimy Gal,
First of all, if you are currently living in Haskell, Tilton, Lewis or any of the other dorms that exhibit the "flowing shower curtain" phenomenon, I'm sorry to say it, but you are straight out of luck. For those of you who don't live in the realm of shower-curtain purgatory, the situation is as such: due to unknown reasons, there exists a vent directly outside the shower, which blows air against the curtain, making it billow inwards against the showerer in question.
As a proud resident of Tilton Hall, I can say with assurance that there is no proper way to ameliorate the issue of the clingy curtain.
According to my research, some students use their shampoo to weigh the bottom down, pulling the curtain taut. However, when I attempted this apparently miraculous strategy, I only ended up being virtually impaled when I reached down to grab the shampoo.
Others have informed me of an extended-leg position that works as a barrier against the undulating curtain - this may work if you are either a) a ballerina or b) don't mind getting shower cooties all over the right half of your quadriceps.
Really, the only proper solution to the problem is to join my Facebook.com group: "I generally loathe the feeling of wet shower curtains against my naked body." No, really, I'm not kidding; join it.
If you have thus far been able to avoid the aforementioned barrier to cleanliness, I can offer you a few suggestions on how to maximize your shower power.
First of all, I'm sure you have a "shower caddy" (a term aptly coined by Bed, Bath & Beyond) and shower sandals. However, although both exist to keep your shower experience organized and sanitary, they can get dirty and thus must be kept clean (and no, showering with them does not constitute as cleaning them). Leftover water, when left near dust and open air, can promote a whole slew of vile outcomes: rust, mold, communism, etc.
And when it comes to the sandal situation, make sure that you are sporting ones made from a water-repellant material (i.e. plastic) and not from a water-absorbing material (i.e. black and red foam "In-N-Out" flip flops that have begun to erode away from god-knows-what mildew is at the base of those showers. Wait, what?). Although wearing sandals is clearly better then venturing in barefoot, they also prevent you from fully washing your feet - which means the flamingo pose will be necessary to achieve some degree of cleanliness.
I'm all for bargain-hunting; however I've come to realize that there are a few things in the world that you just can't be frugal with: birth control and toiletries rank in the top two.
Because you (hopefully) will be using your toiletries each day, you should pick out a shampoo/conditioner, soap/body wash combo that you really enjoy. Not only can a fragrant soap enhance your showering experience, but it also can aid you in the shower's aftermath. Choosing a good smelling soap from reputable establishment over a goat's-milk body bar from a roadside farm stand can mean the difference between hugs and handshakes.
Utility should also be a factor when choosing toiletries: you probably won't be able to set aside the 10 minutes mid-shower that your beloved Terax leave-in conditioner requires to work its magic. In terms of convenience, liquid soap also works very well at minimizing the mess commonly associated with bar soaps.
Although the daily shower is both necessary and beneficial, it alone is not sufficient as a means of keeping habitually clean. When paired with clean sheets, a lack of mud-wrestling tournaments, Q-tips, a nail clipper, Bior?© pore strips, a pumice stone, and a good loofa, the shower can maintain its purpose as the ultimate cleaning mechanism.
Lastly, I've wanted to get something off my chest for a while now, and feel that my column in the Daily would be only the most proper way to do so. Let it be said, once and for all, that writing messages in long black hairs on the shower tiles is NEITHER hipster art NOR ??ber-cool, disposable graffiti. No one wants to see visual evidence of how much you shed, nor do they want to even attempt to respond, kthx!
Contact Charlotte to get advice for all your problems at Charlotte.Steinway@tufts.edu.
