The Seven on Seven house threw its first successful party this weekend. Things went so well that I don't have anything to write for this week's column. No cops came, nothing serious broke, no one stole anything noticeable, and no gorillas. It was a night so uneventful that no paper-worthy events came from it - well, none that can be printed if I still want to have friends on Thursday.
So some of you might be disappointed, but we can't have crazy antics every weekend; I'm not The Lush. If every story were as ridiculous as possible, wouldn't that take away some of the magic? I promise, next week it's back to normal Seven on Seven debaucheries.
In an effort to fill a blank page, I took a house survey on what the worst date movies are. Here's the list, in no particular order:
"Basketball Diaries" I am not sure if I agree with this one completely. The argument makes sense, however. The movie is about inner-city high school basketball stars and Leonardo DiCaprio's fall into the world of heroin and sadness. It's a really good movie. But I guess that girls do not really want to see a movie where the homeless main character has to give fellatio for money in a dirty public bathroom, especially while trying to romantically cuddle up with a boy.
If you are going to watch a heroin drama with the goal of getting with someone, it would have to be "Requiem for a Dream." The plot is more compelling and the directing is outstanding - overall a better movie. If only Jared Leto wasn't in some crappy emo band.
"The Passion of the Christ"/"The Last Temptation of Christ" These should not be too hard to explain. The first one, I hear, is just a guy getting tortured. That doesn't turn me on very much, and I don't think I would want to be with some that did get turned on by that. It's also in Aramaic. Whoohoo. The second is a Scorsese flick, but it is also over two-and-a-half hours long, features Harvey Keitel fumbling around with the role of Judas, and shrieking lepers. It's a weird movie. Good - great in many ways - but not the right ones.
Any Bruce Lee Film I love Bruce Lee movies. They get me pumped. The only thing I want to do after watching them is kick some ass, which I don't think is going to go over very well with the lady I am watching it with. Also, what kind of girl would want to watch it? Most likely your woman is going to be bored and then pissed off you made her watch "Fists of Fury." They're right up there with "Bloodsport."
Ken Burns' "The Civil War" The tag line says it's "the comprehensive survey of the American Civil War." It aired as a miniseries on PBS.
It has every battle, every turning point, everything on the war. It's also 18 hours long. I know how enthralling still photos with Ken Burns narration is, but 18 hours is a little excessive. I think I would be bored after the first 10 minutes. I wouldn't even make it to Fort Sumner.
"When Harry Met Sally" Yes, I know this is considered probably the best date movie ever. But you know what? I saw this with a girl, and I fell asleep. And she got pissed, and I didn't get any. No good.
"Debbie Does Dallas" This one I don't understand. It is a fine example of American cinema. I don't know why a girl wouldn't want to watch this on a date.
It is truly a classic in its genre. Maybe because its genre is porn. To quote Rock Keats from "Bulletproof," "This is a '70s porno. You know how I can tell? Because the guy's d--- has sideburns."
The movie has a great plot; they have to pay for a trip to Dallas to become Cowboys cheerleaders. There is some fantastic acting as well. Robert Kerman (thank you IMDb) was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of the lonely Mr. Greenfield.
"Date Movie" I get that this was supposed a parody of date movies, but it was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I don't remember laughing.
"The Wall" Although the sound track is incredible, the movie is beyond weird. For the record, I love it, but you would have to find a pretty cool girl to watch it all the way through with you.
Actually, is watching the movie all the way through ever the goal of a "date" movie?
"Pi" Another movie I really liked. Also another mention of Darren Aronofsky (he made "Requiem for a Dream"). For one, it's about math.
Two, it is one of the most whacked out movies I have ever seen. It is filmed in grainy black and white, most of the time you have no idea what is going on, and the main character sticks a power drill into his brain. Probably not going to get you laid.
The home video of my birth No explanation necessary. But at least I'm the star of the movie.
Dan Tovrov is a junior majoring in English. You can reach him at daniel.tovrov@tufts.edu.
