Guess what kids? Next Tuesday is Halloween! That means free candy, a weekend full of crowded parties and creative costumes!
[Mini-side rant: To all of you out there who buy a five-dollar mask down at Davis, wear it with jeans and a sweatshirt and say that's a costume: let me just say, I have my eye on you, and I will so open up a can of "Great Pumpkin" on your butt if I see you trying to pull that. Or at least throw stale Mary Janes at you. Really now! Who eats those?]
But there is so much more to Halloween than simply those; Oct. 31 also takes the trophy for being the second most commercialized holiday of the year (right after St. Patrick's Day) and thus is rife with possibilities for pop culture (my mistress and my nemesis) to go awry.
So, in the cesspool of tacky decorations, lackluster television specials and so many other monstrosities (and not in the cool, Frankenstein - or, better yet, Frankenberry - kind of way), how could I possibly nail my column down to one subject?
Simple. I choose the worst offender: horror movies. What's that you say? Horror movies are fun ways to get yourself scared and in the mood for Halloween?
WRONG!
First off, it's Halloween, not sex. If you can't get yourself in the mood for excess sugar and troublemaking and general mirth-making, you obviously have no soul, and there's no amount of dyed corn syrup or film that can change that.
And then, of course, there's the problem that you just can't rent horror movies during October because of their association with Halloween. For these 31 days, they are completely absent from the shelves as herd after herd storms your local Blockbuster or Hollywood Video or what-have-you, just so they can "get in the mood."
And, naturally, if you find one, you have to deal with the whole problem of the person at the register as you check out. He'll open up his mouth and say those aggravating words: "Oh, looking for a good Halloween scare, eh?"
No, I'm not. I simply want to see "Rosemary's Baby" (1968). I've intended to do it for a while and just never have gotten around to it. It just so happens to be October, but I really don't see how that has any impact on whether or not this movie is actually going to be any good/scary.
Now, if the movie takes place during Halloween (like, let's say ... 1978's "Halloween") then one may have a case for renting it. But I hardly think that a movie simply being a horror film automatically makes it a Halloween movie, just like every movie that's about eating isn't appropriate for Thanksgiving. Like, I don't know about you, but I'd find it weird to watch "Silence of the Lambs" (1991) with my grandma while I ate a turkey leg.
But those are all minor complaints compared to this next one. The worst thing about horror movies currently is this: Every year, a new horror film comes out that is immediately advertised as "the best horror film in years." Ponder that for a moment. This can mean one of two things:
A) The advertisement is true - as was the one last year that said the same thing about last year's slasher flick. And so on and so forth. So wait ... if this new film is dozens of times better than that last film that was dozens of times better than - you get the idea. That can only lead to one conclusion: We lucky folks are in the middle of a horror movie cultural renaissance! Think of it! Every year, the medium improves exponentially! "The Grudge" (2004), "The Ring" (2002) and "Saw" (2004) are all clear indicators of that! Wait - no, no they aren't. So this must mean ...
B) We are being lied to, and Hollywood is intentionally producing crappy horror films. Think about it. It makes perfect sense. Every year, they come out with a horror film that is supposed to trump all of the ones in the past decade. We see it. It doesn't.
Therefore, since our desire for a good horror film has not been satisfied, we will go to the next film that is advertised in the exact same way, because even though we all know that the film will be just as disappointing, we simply do not want to give up hope of getting that really good scare.
Imagine, if Hollywood actually made good horror films, we would not be so quick to rush off to these so-called saviors of the genre, since the genre would not need saving. As it is, the crappiness has made us desperate and ready to pour out the cash for even a half-decent thrill.
Well, that's all I have on our friend - or enemy - the horror movie. Have a happy, safe/unsafe Halloween! Celebrate it properly! Carve pumpkins, bob for apples and watch "Citizen Kane" (1941)!
