Miami Dolphins head coach Nick Saban made headlines during the preseason when he declined a dinner invitation from President Bush. His rationale for snubbing the leader of the free world: getting his team ready for training camp.
Though it was certainly a gesture of commitment (some might say myopia), given the woeful play of the Dolphins thus far, Saban probably could have taken a night off to eat with Dubya-all that preparation hasn't exactly translated to the field.
Miami was a trendy preseason pick to challenge the Patriots in the AFC East, and Sports Illustrated even said that the Dolphins would go to the Super Bowl, but they have started 1-4, with their sole win coming over equally terrible Tennessee. Former Pro Bowl quarterback Daunte Culpepper has looked like a shell of his formerly dynamic self, and the offense has struggled to move the chains.
But fear not, Dolphins fans! Waiting in the wings is the nonpareil Joey Harrington, ready and able to hop on the field, take the reins, and ride this team to victory! I sense a similar situation brewing in Miami to that which occurred in Foxboro in 2001: Drew Bledsoe suffered a severe injury, there was much wailing and rending of garments, and then backup quarterback Tom Brady jumpstarted the Patriots' mini-dynasty by leading the team to a Super Bowl win.
I can hear the scoffing from the readers now. "Matt, surely you cannot be suggesting that Joey Harrington, Detriot Lions first-round bust, the guy fans booed out of town, is the next Tom Brady?"
That is precisely what I am suggesting, readers. I realize that the Patriots just beat the Dolphins, which is not an auspicious start for the Joey Harrington Era, but he was probably just nervous from playing against his idol Tom. In fact, I'll even offer four reasons why Joey Harrington is bound to be an excellent NFL quarterback very soon.
1. Joey was a great college quarterback. He was 25-3 as a starter, a Heisman Trophy finalist his senior year, and a first-team All-American. No quarterback that successful in college will be a total flop in the pros: just look at Eric Crouch, Tim Couch, and Ryan Leaf, all of whom were great in college and bound to blossom into NFL QBs any day now.
2. Joey is a concert-caliber pianist. It is virtually impossible to reach that level of excellence without a lot of hard work; being a top-flight quarterback requires dedication. Thus his musical experiences have prepared him well for his future superstardom. In addition, gifted piano players must be skilled and graceful in the movements of their fingers. Try throwing a football without moving your fingers: it's not pretty. Fingers are a vital part of being a quarterback, and Joey has excellent ones.
3. Joey is ruggedly good-looking. This is an often-overlooked aspect of football. Joey's firm gaze and chiseled jaw infuriate the defense, so they'll pursue him all over the field. Offensive coordinators can exploit this tendency in their play-calling: for example, roll Joey to the right and then throw a cross-field screen pass to the left side. Defenders will be so eager to unload on Pretty Boy Harrington that they'll be drawn out of position and Miami will waltz in for the touchdown.
4. The Law of Averages. Joey hasn't been very good in the NFL-yet. The average starting quarterback completes roughly 60 percent of his pass attempts, but Joey has a career completion percentage of less than 55 percent in his first four seasons. The law of averages suggests that he will break out to complete 65 percent of his passes over the next four seasons to bring his career mark to an average of 60 percent! Numbers don't lie, folks. Only a true star can throw the ball with such deft accuracy.
The Fish might be floundering now, but Joey Harrington will be a franchise life preserver. When Joey leads Miami to victory in Super Bowl XLI, his first of several championships, Nick Saban had better just hope that he'll still receive an invitation to the White House for the awards ceremony.
Matthew Mertens is a sophomore who has not yet declared a major.
