Walking around campus asking random people if they have any weird phobias has turned out not to be the best way to make new friends. I guess people are somewhat put off by the term "phobia," or maybe by the modifier, "weird."
So, there is something that needs to be cleared up: there is nothing wrong with being afraid. We are all scared of things, whether they are "normal" (like the dark, deep water, insects, or death), or "abnormal" (like getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth). We can parade around in our culturally acceptable clothing listening to our culturally acceptable music and going to our culturally acceptable events, but in the end, underneath it all, we've all got some little weird trait buried deep inside of us.
To me, that is diversity. I always had issues with "diversity talks" because they always make me feel really boring. I mean, what am I? White? Female? Of Eastern European descent? Boring. I wanted to be something exotic, something different. After attending more of these events than I can count on all three of my hands, I've started to feel like even ethnic people are starting to feel bored. I would hate being labeled by my race or my sexual orientation. Our phobias, among what are otherwise known as personality "flaws," are what I see as making us truly unique.
Now, I hate to get all warm and fuzzy on you, but I have been in more than one situation where my phobias actually brought me closer to people. During a late-night run to a local pizza joint with some friends, we discovered a small spider in the Parmesan shaker. Insects being one of the few things I'm not afraid of, I took the shaker outside and emptied it out without making a big scene in the restaurant. A guy I had just met told me when I returned to the table that he was afraid of spiders, and thanked me for having written about it.
"It makes me feel a lot more comfortable knowing that other people are scared, too," he said. I guess it is a little bit taboo for a guy to admit that he's scared of something, but in all honesty, I think it's only natural. At least admit that you're scared of losing someone close to you, or of heights, or of not meeting expectations. It's okay. Just let it all out.
Because phobias can sometimes bring people closer together. An awkward meal with someone you just met turns into a less awkward meal with a good friend when you both find out that you share a fear of constipation.
"Oh my gosh...what if it doesn't come out?"
"I know! And it all just piles up inside of you until you explode!"
This conversation would make a lot of people uncomfortable, but when you're so desperately looking for a way to connect with someone, it can be just what you need. You've got to admit, it would make a pretty interesting Facebook.com tag:
"How do you know _______?"
"We met randomly while discussing our mutual fear of constipation."
It's sad that most people would probably be too embarrassed to actually type that in. It's really a unique thing to have in common with another person, and you really have to open up to let someone else know something that personal about yourself. Maybe we just need to be a little less embarrassed and a little more inclined to reach out to others for comfort. Take an example from my good friend Claire Rollor.
Rollor is afraid of crossing the street alone. I think this is just about the cutest thing ever. I must admit that since moving to Medford, my risk of death has significantly increased for one reason and one reason only: crossing the street. I guess this is an equal trade off to all the driving I did while in Florida, but it is significantly scarier. When you are behind the wheel of a ton of steel and rubber, you feel a lot safer than being an insufficiently clothed college student crossing the road. I know my Powerbook is bulletproof, but I doubt that's going to protect me from a speeding motorist. But I digress!
Claire is afraid of crossing the street. Whenever we go to Davis, she never wanders too far beyond the group for fear that she might have to cross the street alone. It's never wrong to reach out for others.
I feel like most of the time we're trying to "make it on our own" when really what we're afraid of us just that: being alone. Reaching out for that which hurts us most, we never pause to think that what we need is to be less independent, to be less self-sufficient. I know I always sleep better when I'm not alone, and knowing that, despite the fact that my family and friends may be a thousand miles away, they are still there for me, just a phone call away. If that doesn't make you feel better, then maybe take comfort in your roommate, snoring peacefully just a few feet away from you.
Be more like Claire. Don't cross the street alone if you don't have to. When someone gives you a hand, take it. Take comfort in the people around you and in yourself. Don't be afraid to share your fears with others; it might be all you have to give.
