There are three things that will always make men happy: inhaling barbequed food, drinking large quantities of beer and watching football. Each of these activities by themselves will put a smile on most any male's face.
Put the three together? Well, then you have yourself a tailgate. And tailgating, my friends, is God's finest creation. For this townie, the last two weekends have had a combined 24 hours of aggressive tailgating, the likes of which would impress even the most gluttonous of football fans. They also most likely shaved a solid two to three years off my life.
There are many ingredients that go into making a top-notch tailgate. The first aspect that is vital to an above-average tailgate is the assortment of food. Choosing the food has really only two parameters: It has to be barbequed, and it can't be healthy. Burgers, hot dogs, and sausages should be your mainstays, for they are the prototypical fattening and delectable barbequed treats.
If you find yourself eating something that your mom or dad has once forced you to eat because it's healthy, like asparagus, then you have broken a major law in tailgating etiquette and should be punished by eating a hot dog sandwiched in between two hamburger patties.
Order something like a veggie burger, and there's a very good chance I may never speak to you again. Bring anything that has the phrase "low-fat" or "Weight Watchers," and we very well could have a physical confrontation. Tailgating is man's time to forget about those meals that supply nutrition and, instead, eat food that has more grease than the gelled hair of a Revere high-schooler at prom.
The next element that is basically a prerequisite for any successful tailgate is beer - lots and lots of beer. As a townie, I prefer beers that can be purchased with large sums of change. Brands like Natty Ice and Pabst fill my cooler to the brim, because: 1) they are dirt-cheap and high in alcohol, and 2) nobody goes for a Natty if a tasty Bud Light is in somebody else's cooler.
There is something very appealing about crushing beers outdoors in the middle of the day and actually having a legitimate excuse to do so without feeling like a trashy degenerate.
Being a townie, I already know that I'm trashy, but for those of you who are still on the fence, tailgating is the perfect justification for midday debauchery. Just so you don't get the wrong idea, I'm not suggesting that you get blacked-out drunk to the point where you can't stand and hold conversations with people. You have frat parties to do this.
You need to remember that you still have a lot of football to watch, and you don't want to be the guy at the stadium who falls asleep at his seat or drops F-bombs in front of little kids.
Any sporting event can have a tailgate. With that said, it would be a little bit of a stretch if, one day, you decided it would be a good idea to get loaded and pre-game for a women's curling tournament. If that's the case, I have two letters for you: AA.
Luckily, football is a sport that basically requires drunken overeating spectators. If you're at a football game and have neither a buzz nor clogged arteries, then you're doing something terribly wrong, and you need to consult a tailgating rulebook.
Football has turned into the Mecca for men who yearn for a release from the doldrums of everyday life. It is a man's sport, a sport where the main mantra is "Kill the man with the ball," so one can only fully appreciate this game by disregarding all things feminine, if only for one day.
And, ladies, I'm not trying to be sexist or pig-headed - that just comes out naturally. But, seriously, if we guys didn't have a day to act completely masculine and chauvinistic, then you girls would be surrounded non-stop by burping men who make non-stop, inappropriate sexual jokes ... which is basically what it's like to date a townie.
Tailgating will always be a part of my life. Whether at Tufts or Gillette Stadium, in good weather or bad, if there is a football game, I want to drink and eat before it, and you should, too. There are very few acceptable reasons to sit back, eat unhealthy food, and wash it down with a dozen beers. So if you decide that tailgating is not for you, then that's one less excuse. Fortunately for me, I'm a townie, and that's the only excuse I'll ever need.
Pete McKeown is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at peter.mckeown@tufts.edu.
