I'm not going to lie to you: When I was in elementary school, I was the man. I was on the cover of the Medford newspaper twice, no big deal. As far as a 10-year-old was concerned, I was famous, on the townie level.
Unfortunately for my parents, all the glitz and glamour of being in the limelight got to me, and I decided that school wasn't as important as Little League or paparazzi. To tell you the truth, I was a pretty bright townie, but nothing caught my attention academically. That was until I found "The Magic School Bus." Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, "The Magic School Bus" isn't a code word for the short bus that takes special needs children to school. It was my favorite book series.
I mention this to you because this past Thursday night, I was on a different magical bus called the Bustonian, a vehicle that can make any townie's dream come true. There are many similarities between my childhood book series and Thursday's "Gong Show"-esque bus. The Bustonian is a pimped-out school bus with limo-esque seating that provides transportation for a group of about 30 people to go bar-hopping through Boston ... and you're allowed to bring as much booze as you want on the bus. Ideal. So, as far as a 22 -year-old townie is concerned, the Bustonian is as magical as any bus, fictional or real.
First of all, both buses have amazing drivers. On the Magic School Bus, Ms. Frizzle (a.k.a. The Frizz) expands the minds and smiles of her students and even lets her pet lizard do most of the driving. As far as elementary school teachers are concerned, she's really cool and reminds me of someone who did too many drugs at Woodstock and occasionally puts her class in mortal danger: all A+ attributes for someone working with children.
On the Bustonian, our driver was named Tony, and he defined cool. He didn't even get mad at me for drunkenly calling him Tony Danza, instead responding, "You're right, because I am the f--ing boss." Needless to say, that one comment made Tony all right in my book, especially since he took care of every problem that arose. The only real problems we had to deal with were drinking, not pissing our pants and getting into bars. Luckily for us, Tony was from Everett, and all these issues are well within his skill set.
The buses themselves had physical characteristics that would make anyone get the chills. The Magic School Bus could turn into a submarine, a space ship and frog. It can even go back in time or be shrunken into a microscopic vehicle. Talk about versatile.
The Bustonian couldn't shrink or go into space or even go on Storrow Drive, but it had windows, seats, a mini dance floor and a stripper pole. Any bus, establishment or house that has a stripper pole automatically goes into the category of "cool." Needless to say, me + Southern Comfort + stripper pole + "Sexy Back" = awkwardly seductive townie dancing. The windows provided ample entertainment as well, either for asking for fake directions to places like "your face" or "the toilet store" or screaming "laaaaxxx" or "Want a roommate sandwich?" at defenseless pedestrians.
Both of the magical buses also take their respective occupants to magical places. For instance, the Magical School Bus in one book took its children through someone's digestive tract. Luckily for us, the Bustonian didn't take us to someone's large intestine or through any sphincters ... unless driving through Charlestown counts. But each bar we went to certainly got the job done. For me, the bars were relatively unnecessary. I had all the booze and beers I needed on the bus, so I basically used the stops as porta-potties.
Side-note: Great call by the creator of the Bustonian to not have bathrooms, because bad things happen to drunken people when trying to use a moving bathroom.
When you really think about it, what's more magical to a townie than an alcohol-filled bus with tons of friends that provides transportation to and from Tufts?
The answer to that is not much at all, so the next time you're thinking about setting up a birthday party or having a night on the town, seriously consider ordering the Bustonian. It's affordable, BYOB, convenient and has a stripper pole.
If you need more than that, well, you definitely are not a townie.
Pete McKeown is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at peter.mckeown@tufts.edu.
