Whipped cream, ice cubes, chocolate sauce, popsicles, strawberries..if you're thinking about smoothies, read the title of this article again, and go grab yourself something to eat. Though they probably taste good in a blender, these items are at the top of today's list because they are foods commonly associated with foreplay and sex.
Associating food with sex is something we are all aware of, even as children. Don't tell me you didn't laugh when a friend at your fifth grade lunch table put apples in his shirt and called them boobies.
Wait a minute - I still think that's funny. That's why there's a picture of my friend with balloons in his shirt at the pep rally on Facebook.com. (Sorry David!)
In middle school sex ed classes, kids have to practice putting condoms on bananas because they're shaped like penises, as are cucumbers and zucchini. Then there are melons and cherries...
In fact, until the age of seven, I thought penises were called "peanuts." I heard wrong. I actually thought they were supposed to look like peanuts.
Why do we find food so arousing? Besides looking like our reproductive organs, how do they function as objects of carnal stimulation? I mean, I don't get antsy at lunch just because there're cucumbers in my salad.
Food has been associated with sexuality for a long time. It's not surprising when you consider that along with breathing, bowel movements and eating, sexual intercourse is a basic human function necessary for survival.
Another thing to consider: food makes us feel good, and so does physical touch. If you need both food and sex to survive, and they both make you feel good, why not put the two together? Now you're living large.
I guess it makes more sense now that every time I read an article on yet another 101 things to spice up my sex life, there are always specific foods required in order to achieve this higher, more spiced-up level of sexual gratification.
The latest sex and food concoction that I still can't get over is eating a donut off your man's member. Why not skip dessert at dinner and just make a quick run to Krispy Kreme's on the way home?
I hope I don't risk being considered unadventurous when I say that eating a donut off of a man's penis sounds messy and embarrassing. I mean, would one do that standing up or does he need to lie down? Are you allowed to hold the donut while you're eating, or would that be considered less sexy? What do you do when you've eaten to the point where the donut is about to break and fall? He doesn't even get anything to eat.
Whatever. I don't even like donuts.
If the donut trick sounds enticing for you, then have a blast. But for the weight watchers out there, another common item is the ice cube. Another sex tip I read about was while engaging in oral sex: the giver should take turns sucking on an ice cube and drinking hot water.
Wait a minute. Where do I put the ice cube while I'm drinking the water? Am I allowed bathroom breaks if I've drank too much? I refuse to risk a brain freeze or burning my tongue just for this. Why doesn't he just take turns sticking it in a bowl of ice and a bowl of water?
One of my friends recently revealed to us his fantasy of pouring a bottle of champagne on a girl and licking it off. After getting over the initial resentment at the idea of wasting a bottle of expensive alcohol, I seriously thought about it. I guess if you could get over wetting the bed and being sticky, it could work.
I was somewhat reassured when I realized that he did not mean to pour the champagne all over the girl's head, but just slightly on her midriff.
My point is that all this food and sex and is starting to worry me. Sex advice magazines are telling us to be more adventurous. But does that mean we have to involve complicated maneuvers and multiple foods as instruments of seduction?
Can't we just be intimate without chocolate and whipped cream gluing us together? I just envision rashes, food allergies, and burns. I don't want to have to stress over melting ice and boiling water just to be considered exciting.
However, this is not to say I don't think food and sexual organs can't have fun together. If you're a fan of Dane Cook, you've probably seen this. On an episode of SNL, he tells the audience that he placed a cashew on the head of his penis, bent it back, and flicked it onto his mouth. (I've heard testimony that this actually works, and I know you boys are going to go back to your rooms and try it.)
A piece of advice from Dane is that only a cashew works because it contours nicely around the head.
