So apparently I've become the Jack Kevorkian of Daily sports columnists. I've unintentionally killed the last two elder sports legends I've written about. Sure, they were on their way out, but still, creepy. So this week, I'm not talking about anyone who's even close to kicking the bucket. You're welcome, George Steinbrenner, because believe me, the thought ran through my head.
And so, I present my top three favorite sports commercials of all time! Why three, you ask? Because I didn't have time for four, so get off my back. And the winners are ...
Number Three: The Nike Gridiron Briscoe High Game Day. This ad is both supremely clever and atrociously absurd. The good: you've got to love a commercial that has Jimmy Johnson, Michael Vick, Matt Leinart, Steve Young and more football superstars than you can shake a stick at, all in the same ad campaign. Even better, there's no appearance by Payton Manning, the reigning NFL media whore.
The two best parts of the commercial: legendary coach Don Shula's pre-game pep talk to the team ("Somebody's gonna get their first loss here tonight, and it's not gonna be us; is it?"), and the final scene when LaDainian Tomlinson tosses a Hail Mary, only to have the mascot remove its hawk head to reveal Lee Corso looking on in awe. Brilliant. Here, however, is the ad's major fault.
How does a team stacked with professional players find itself down 14-10 and forced to throw a Hail Mary against an opposing high school team? On top of that, the Hawks are playing at home. None of this makes any sense. I mean, c'mon! But I'll overlook this fact. Great commercial.
Number Two: The Larry Bird-Michael Jordon McDonald's ad. In the early nineties the NBA ruled with the likes of Bird, MJ, Magic, Sir Charles and more, all of whom starred in some of the most iconic commercials of the decade. This one, however, was the best, hands down.
Nothing like watching two of arguably the greatest basketball players of all time essentially playing sudden death HORSE for the rights to a delicious Big Mac. For those who don't remember, the early nineties were an innocent time, a simpler time, before Mad Cow and "Super Size Me," a time before "organic" became a household name. So the fact that two professional athletes would actually eat a hamburger isn't as far-fetched as it sounds.
The commercial featured the two making ridiculous shots, from full court to the top of a skyscraper, all of them "nothing but net." You've got to love Jordan's amazing 90's, Bill Cosby sweater; and Bird's opening line - "No dunking," - is priceless. Oh, Larry, white men really can't jump.
Number One: You may wonder how any commercial with Larry Bird in it is not my number one choice. It would have been, except for one commercial that is so awe inspiringly inane, it must be numero uno. The ad: Head On.
No one knows what the hell this stuff is for. I don't think it's actually sports-related, but it could be, and that's all that counts. The ad simply features a woman in a red sweater applying a tube of God-knows-what to her forehead, with an overly enthusiastic female narrator commanding in a monotone voice, "Head on: apply directly to the forehead" over and over.
The ad looks like something that would have come out of the former Soviet Union, or maybe one of those old Saturday Night Live spoof commercials. It's available without a prescription, however, and that has to be a good thing.
So there you have it. If any sports legends die this week, don't blame me. And if the "Head On" lady in the red sweater should meet her untimely demise, I'm really, really sorry.
Andrew Bauld is a senior majoring in English and political science. He can be reached at andrew.bauld@tufts.edu.
