Being 21 brings a lot of advantages. OK, mainly one advantage. And that is being able to go to bars. But amidst all of the drunken debauchery and good times, there are far more awkward moments to contend with.
When you go out to the bars, you're bound to see a bunch of people you know. Sometimes, you'll run into those people that you only know when drunk. These are the guys and girls that you'll purposely avoid eye contact with when passing on the street or in the gym but with whom you'll strike up a 10-minute conversation when you're both intoxicated. The most awkward part occurs if you bump into them again a few days later and you're not sure if you're still doing the zero-acknowledgment thing. "Did she wave and smile, or was that a?...Nope. Just a yawn and a back-scratch."
I was flirting with a girl at a bar once while I had a girlfriend, and she asked for my phone number. I decided it was best not to come clean and tell her I was in a relationship, but to, instead, give her a fake number. So I came up with a completely phony number and punched it into her phone, at which point she clicked "Send" on her cell so that I would have her number. Needless to say, my phone did not ring. She thought I must have punched a wrong digit. So I said, "Oh you're right. It's actually not 8439 - it's 0127."
Every bar has a large, bald bouncer whose main goal is to make sure he ruins your night, if only in some small way. Usually, this is accomplished by making you wait outside for extended periods of time while letting attractive, underage women in. One time, I decided I would pull a move that I'd only seen in movies and TV. I looked the bouncer directly in the eyes, dug into my wallet and grabbed what I thought was a crisp $10 bill. When I handed it to him, he said, "This is a gift certificate to Staples." I returned to my place in line, and when he finally let me in, I asked, "Can I have that back?"
The music at bars is very loud. I guess the logic is that if you can't have a conversation without screaming, you're more likely to forget the whole talking thing and order yourself and someone else a drink. But how come, whenever the music turns off for five seconds, I'm always in the middle of a really embarrassing conversation? Seriously. 50 Cent will be singing about a "bottle full of bub," and then I hear myself shouting, "...because my mom still buys all my clothes!"
Do you remember the movie "Space Jam" (1996)? And how, at the end of the movie, the Looney Tunes are losing, but at the half Michael Jordan gives Bugs Bunny his "Secret Stuff" and then they go on to win the game? And then it turns out it was just water and all they needed was a little confidence. That's kind of like me, because I tend to be pretty shy when it comes to talking to girls at bars. It's very hard for me to initiate conversation. Sometimes, my friends will tell me they overheard a girl say I'm cute, I'll go over and get her phone number, and then find out they made the whole thing up. Just like in "Space Jam." Truth is, though, I think the "Secret Stuff" is actually alcohol.
I find that certain "classy" bars are like real-life beer commercials. There are gorgeous women everywhere trying to pressure you into drinking because it will make you cool and happy. And just like in the commercials, these women want nothing more to do with you than take $5 out of your pocket. This one bar in Boston had "shot" girls soliciting me every five minutes. I couldn't escape them. When I was chatting with a friend, one of the shot girls approached and asked, "Don't you want to buy a shot for this beautiful girl?" I said, "No. But thanks for putting me on the spot."
I'm not very good with pick-up lines. I think they're cheesy. So on the rare occasion when I do use them, I make sure to be very creative so that it's something a girl has definitely never heard before. I'll say something like, "You must have emphysema, 'cause you're smokin'," or "Are you going in for double bypass surgery, because I think our two hearts are beating as one?" Sometimes girls will really go for it. I'll think to myself, "Is she smiling? Does she want me to ask her to dance and ... ? Nope, just a yawn and a back-scratch."
Man, I'm awkward.
Neil Padover is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached neil.padover@tufts.edu.
