When I started this column, I kind of began with the assumption that everyone knew all about sex and was comfortable discussing even the stickiest and most uncomfortable topics. It's like when an avid football fan tries to describe the excitement of Monday Night Football to a non-English-speaking European soccer fan.
I apologize. I shouldn't have overlooked the fundamentals because the rules of safe sex, both physically and emotionally, are the most important information to know before you join in the fun and games. This column is part one in a series of fundamentals to know.
Most importantly, you must be mentally ready and emotionally secure about your decision to have sex. Of course, if you're about to have sex for the first time, it's a big decision - bigger than you may think.
The first time can and probably will be awkward as hell. You're extremely lucky if you saw fireworks and all your dreams come true right before your naked body (hopefully without socks). No matter how many times you've heard this, the last thing you want this experience to be is one that you regret.
Even if you're a seasoned pro, being selective about your bedroom buddies is still important. Sure, drunken one-night-stands are tempting fun, but what about STDs, pregnancy and emotions?
There's always a risk, and the risk is tenfold if you don't even know your partner's last name. So be sure that you're ready, that the un-intoxicated you would make the same decision, and understand whether or not sex equals love or a relationship - or even a crush.
Even if you've got all your emotions in place and your mind is clear and ready, there's only one more thing to remember: no glove, no love. Ok, it's a little more complicated than that.
You should definitely (NOT probably) get tested regularly if you are sexually active. It's recommended that girls 18 and older should go for regular gyno exams anyways, so it's not like your parents will automatically freak out and assume you're a skanky ho.
And, of course, your doctor will be professional and confidential about everything you tell him or her. And it's not a good idea to lie to the doc about your sex life, because, lets face it, they're staring at vaginas all day. They'll know.
STDs are scary. I actually looked up pictures of STDs, and I think I puked a little in my mouth and wanted to cry and never touch another boy again in my life. Getting pregnant before you want to would suck, because it will follow you for the rest of your life, but so can an STD. The only way to protect yourself when having sex is to use a condom.
Remember, there are rules to condom usage. Do keep extras around your room, close to the bed. Do keep some in the car. Do keep some on you (even if you're the one without the penis). Don't keep it in your wallet or back pocket. Your tush sitting on it will make it warmer than room temperature, and that's bad.
Also, when you put it on, make sure you've got it so the inside is the side that's touching his penis. If it's lubed, the lube should be felt more on the outside. This way, you can roll it down; it won't unroll the other way - and it's super-awkward to realize it's going the wrong way if it's already halfway there. Be sure to hold the tip of the condom while you're pulling it down so you leave room for the sperm that comes out.
Also (this is key), after the man ejaculates, be sure to take the condom off right away. I know you might want a second to cool down or cuddle, but do that after the condom is gone. If the penis goes soft while it's in the condom, sperm may leak out - and that would defeat the whole purpose.
For birth control, I strongly recommend the pill, patch, shot or ring. Yes, it costs money, but an unplanned kid will cost much more. The pill seems to be the easiest and most common choice in college. You can choose one with very low or no estrogen and little to no side effects. If you're worried about gaining weight, you can find a pill that doesn't cause weight gain. Usually, the lower the estrogen in the pill, the less severe the side effects, and they usually go away after one or two packs.
Important things to remember while taking the pill: Don't smoke, because it will raise your chances of getting blood clots, and remember to take it at the same time everyday. As the Planned Parenthood Web site says, only with "perfect use" will you have a 99 percent or higher rate of effectiveness. Don't worry, though: You do have a couple hours of give-or-take time. And there are now cute pill cases with alarms that will remind you every day at the same time to take it.
Remember to be safe from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Sex can be fun, but not if you have to to worry about diseases and unwanted mini-versions of you running around. (God knows we don't need any more.) So if you've got the basic rules of engagement straight, then sit back, relax and enjoy the games.
