I look ahead, and out of the darkness, I see the light. An attractive girl is approaching us. Our eyes meet for a second. She plays it off as though she was looking at the shapes of the clouds in the sky, but I know she was looking at me.
As we get closer, I realize that this is actually a girl I met the previous night at a party. Awesome. This is my chance for glory. She glides closer, and her eyes and mine lock a few more times. Each step brings us closer.
I put my hand up and start practicing my wave. I stretch my cheek muscles, so I don't cramp when I smile. I look at my reflection in the nearest car window as I fix my hair. As she passes me, I walk by with my full smile, fingers waving in the air.
But, suddenly, she is engrossed in the lines of gravel on the floor. My friends erupt in laughter. I wouldn't be surprised if they all pissed in their pants from laughing too hard. I've got to be honest with you. I'm pretty awesome. I'm kind of a big deal. So why don't people say hi to me?! Is it the length of my hair, the shape of my butt, or is it the snot that's always dripping down my right nostril to my lips?
I never had that problem when I was two years old. I remember it clearly. Everybody was nice to me. Every girl who saw me would smile as she walked by. They would say hello to me in weird attempts at baby talk. They never got it right. I even got a few pinches in the cheek if I was lucky. I never had a girl avoid my beautiful eyes on purpose.
I was a pimp; the world was so much friendlier then.
A rising problem today is college. More people go to college now than back when I was pimping the ladies 16 years ago. Apparently, parents like to throw their kids into four-year, anti-friendly, sleep-away campus. With all the pressure, hard work, stress and weekends out partying until 3 a.m., students don't get much time to be friendly. How can you find time to say hi when you are busy dancing at parties? It's a hard life.
And with the development of the Internet, it seems people don't know how to communicate in person. They seem friendly when they add you as a friend on Facebook.com but can't seem to get their hand up for a wave when you see them in person. Some friends type "lol" (laugh out loud) all the time while instant messaging but can't make a sound when you see them. Apparently, they only laugh out loud in front of their computer. Some "friends" respond to my jokes with rofl (rolling on the floor laughing) but can't seem to react when I see them in person. Apparently, they don't like rolling on the floor while laughing.
I blame food. What is the number one problem in the United States? Eating. Everybody everywhere is eating. I cannot think of a more widespread problem. It is hard to communicate when you have food in your mouth. Try saying hello to a friend the next time you have a mouth full of partially chewed Chinese food. See if your friend ever says hi to you again.
But the most important reason for the lack of friendliness in the world today is television. There has been a dramatic increase in television channels and bad television shows since the good ol' days.
Where is the big purple dino today? Barney taught me all I needed to know about being friendly. The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers told me that communication is important. Wishbone taught me all I needed to know about classic literature. So the TV is the downfall of friendliness everywhere. Why say hi to your boring friends when you can see spoiled rich kids getting a BMW for their super sweet 16? Why be a real life pimp when you can watch people sing about being pimps? Why be friendly when you don't have to be?
So what are the benefits of being friendly? Is it to make more friends? I have a few friends. Is it to be super cool? I am kind of cool, I think. Is it to make the world a better place to live in? The world could be better off with a few more friendly people. Is it to meet girls? I can get girls if I wanted to ...
OK, fine. After careful analysis and thought, I have determined that maybe I am not the ideal example of friendliness.
I go to college. I get little sleep at night. I roll out of bed and walk to class with my brain still asleep, unable to talk with anybody. After class, I spend my free time napping. I waste too much time in college in my room and being anti-social. I check Facebook for new friends every second. I have to instant message every single person I know before I can start my work. After I am done with the computer, I realize I have wasted my whole day, and it's now time for my third lunch. I eat whenever I want an excuse for not working, which happens more than it should. I watch TV when I am supposed to be sleeping. I love watching rich spoiled kids get a new car on TV. I sing along with my favorite music videos all the time.
I need to change.
So how do you become a friendly person? Drop out of college. It's overrated. Sleep at night only. Stop going online, start walking around the dorm into other peoples' rooms in your Barney pajamas, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers watch and Magic School Bus hat, and ask them to be your friend in person. People will literally laugh out loud and roll on the floor laughing.
Stop eating. Just because you have an unlimited meal plan doesn't mean you need to eat all the time. Start deep conversations with people you've never seen before. They will feel bad and think they know you but forgot your name. Find out what happens when you smash a bat to the TV screen. Just be cooler than you are now.
So what if my original story was fake, and I was actually the attractive individual walking past a girl and friends I met at a party, but was too afraid to say hi and had to pretend to be counting the blades of grass as I walked on by?
Relationships are invaluable. Friends are there to celebrate your accomplishments, to console you when you have your failures and to spot you when you don't have money. Remember, the more friends you have, the more presents you get.
Don't be a stranger; be a friend. Next time you see me looking at the floor as I walk by, please say, "Hi."
Lawrence S. Chan is a freshman engineer. He has not yet declared a concentration.
