Did anyone else happen to see the highlight of this year's NBA All-Star Game? I'm talking, of course, about the foot race between Charles Barkley and referee Dick Bavetta. Thankfully not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, because nobody should have missed this one.
But if you weren't able to see it, a lumbering 44-year-old Charles "Slip and Slide" Barkley (that name is copyrighted by my roommate) raced 67-year-old ref Dick Bavetta for bragging rights and donated $10,000 to the Boys and Girls Club of Las Vegas - a nice gesture by the Round Mound of Rebound. The contest stemmed from an on-air challenge Barkley issued during a Lakers-Kings game in January, claiming he could beat the Old Man of the Court in a race from one end of the court to the other.
Barkley won the race, showboating backwards before toppling over the half-court line while Bavetta literally threw himself across the finish line in the hopes of edging out the cocky Barkley, but all it got him in the end was a bloody knee. The two ended the race amicably, however, even kissing each other on the lips. I'm not quite sure what that's about, but this little competition got me to thinking: what else will Charles Barkley do on a bet?
To be fair, Barkley has a wee bit of a gambling problem, admitting to having lost upwards of $10 million through gambling in an interview with ESPN. But from past behavior, it seems like Sir Charles just likes a challenge. Take, for example, his attempt to break the magician David Blaine's record of holding his breath under water of over seven minutes on "Inside the NBA." Barkley came close, with a time of 24 seconds, but it was the effort that counted.
I believe this problem may have begun in the early '90s, when Larry Bird and Michael Jordan refused to allow Barkley to prove himself in those McDonald's "H-O-R-S-E" challenges. To prove his masculinity, Barkley went so far as to challenge Godzilla himself to a game of one-on-one. Bird and Jordan, however, remained unimpressed.
This need to prove himself could also be a consequence of Barkley never having won a World Championship. He's a Hall of Famer, both the 76ers and the Phoenix Suns have retired his number, and he was named the NBA MVP in 1993 and the All-Star MVP in 1991. The man is one of the greatest professional basketball players of all time, but still it's not enough. Beating octogenarians in foot races probably isn't going to make up for his supposed inadequacies, but hell if it isn't entertaining for us.
So, not exactly exploiting his problems of gambling and constant need for validation, but instead ... well, okay, actually yes, exploiting those qualities, I think the kind of spectacle we saw at the All-Star Game could become a more regular occurrence. For instance: Barkley vs. Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi, The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Champion. This kid devoured almost 54 hot dogs in 12 minutes in 2006. I got 20 bucks says Barkley can down 60.
Barkley vs. Jorge Lugo: The guy he threw through a plate-glass window back in 1997. After being asked if he regretted his action, Barkley said, "I regret we weren't on a higher floor." Surely a rematch is in order. Let's give Barkley his wish and host this one on the top floor of Trump Tower.
Barkley vs. Role Models: Back in the '90s Barkley famously appeared in a Nike commercial where he declared "I am not a role model." But with the recent indiscretions of stars like Kobe Bryant and the once-infallible golden boy Tom Brady, Barkley might have to defend his declaration as the number one anti-hero. I'm thinking something along the lines of how many 12-year-olds he can make cry in a minute could solidify his reputation.
Barkley vs. Shaquille O'Neal: Or any number of the myriad players Barkley got into fights with during his playing days. Maybe we can get Bill Laimbeer and Patrick Ewing involved for a good ol' fashioned cage match.
And of course, the mother of all competitions: Charles Barkley vs. Gnarls Barkley. The popular musical duo claim there's no connection between their name and the Round One, but I think we all would like to see Cee-Lo Green and Barkley huffing and puffing down the court to finally decide who has claim to the surname Barkley.
Call me crazy, but I think it could be a winner. Plus I heard Danger Mouse called Charles fat. I'm just saying...
