By the time this is read, Valentine's Day will be over.
Hundreds of Tufts guys will have missed out on my romantic genius, and for that I am sorry.
Many of you probably bought flowers, went on dates to expensive restaurants with those special, more expensive Valentine's menus, or even did something stupid like trying to surprise her with a favorite home-cooked meal.
All idiotic ideas. It's not your fault, because the townie hadn't yet revealed his 2007 love secrets. So here's a list of a few of my date ideas - nights of bliss the likes of which you will never forget - because if there's one thing a townie knows other than felonies, it's economically-friendly dates that make the ladies swoon.
The first place, often referred to as "heaven" in the Somerville community, is GoodTime's Emporium. The only problem I have with this place is that is isn't called "RidiculouslyAwesome Time's."
For dinner, sample any of the delicacies that the upscale, modernized menu has to offer, from single slices of cheese pizza to Buffalo wings (an aphrodisiac of epic proportions). Want to work off those calories? Try out some laser tag, because nothing says "you're the best" like a red beam of light blinding your cornea. Some say it's damaging for future vision, I say it's a laser of love.
Forgot a gift? Win her one of the many prizes GoodTime's has to offer with tickets from their hundreds of video games. Who needs chocolates and roses when you can win her with fake vampire teeth and a topnotch Hackey sack? After this she'll be wondering how this perfect night could get better, and that's when you sit down at the bar and start throwing around (one) dollar bills for every townie's favorite game: Keno. Thank me later.
Next stop, Lanes and Games in Cambridge. Lanes and Games is a dating mainstay, found conveniently on Route 2 between the Alewife T stop and a boarded-up strip club. That's as five-star as it gets. Once inside, there's both candlepin bowling and 10-pin bowling. I'd have issues with anyone who suggested candlepin over 10-pin, but this might be due to my almost god-like ability at big ball bowling.
There's a bar on the second floor, again fully stocked with Keno, but make sure to come early. You don't want to get caught playing against the hardcore bowling league guys who don't respect people who pick names like "poo."
Possibly my favorite place for a date is Costco, found down Route 16 in Everett at the Graceland Shopping Center. You can have a sweet dinner and a movie date ... for free. They always have the newest releases showing on their unbelievable Plasma screens, so make sure to pull over a comfy lazy boy couch (found on aisle 43 next to the pastry shop).
The dinner is the real star of the night. Just walk to the frozen food section, where there is a myriad of free samples. If you say you don't like a good bagel bite, then I say you're a liar. You can get a large drink of fountain soda, with free refills, for a meager 55 cents, and there is no better drink than fountain Coke (except maybe good chocolate milk, but that's a whole other column). If Costco gets old after a few dates, Target is only about a football field away.
Do exactly as I say and be ready for some romance in your future. These locations are foolproof ways to woo any lady with minimal fiscal damage. Sure, you could ignore my counsel and go to some trendy restaurant in Beacon Hill or a play or something like that, but odds are, you'd rather being playing Keno, crushing pins or sniping lasers.
That is the townie way.
Pete McKeown is a senior majoring in English. He can be reached at peter.mckeown@tufts.edu.
