It's a bittersweet time of the year here at the Daily. While everyone on the staff is happy to welcome our new columnists, at the same time, it's always tough to turn away the motivated, talented writers who don't make it. Luckily, this semester we got plenty of submissions from some well-known names that we had no remorse in turning down. While we didn't want to give these celebrities the attention that they so desperately crave (why else would international stars submit columns to a college newspaper?), it wouldn't be right not to share these with the campus. Ranging from Polanski's take on the traditional abroad column to the more untraditional offering of Ms. Hilton, they all had one thing in common: they were completely awful.
10) "I'm Gonna Get What I Want: Shoes and More" by YouTube sensation "Kelly" - Although the Daily completely condones shoe shopping, muffins and text message break ups, many of Kelly's remarks seemed overly scathing, especially towards the male gender, such as "Stupid boy..." We were, however, on the edge of accepting due to her creative misspellings of various curse words such as "deck" and "betch" that would most likely escape the Editor-in-Chief's strict rule against dirty words.
9) "Death to the Great Satan" by The Mooninites - While many were surprised by the sudden siege of devices branded with the cartoon character's image in the past weeks, we at the Daily got an advance look at the Mooninites' Islamofascist leanings when they submitted their column. Despite being extraordinarily well-written we had to reject it, obviously, since we do not accept columns written by groups (the jihadist propaganda didn't help, either).
8) "Supreme Court Justices With Whom I Would Copulate" by Dick Cheney - We all know our Vice Prez can be a little blunt at times, but we thought this title was just going overboard. Plus, it's pretty clear that Mr. Cheney has the hots for Chief Justice Roberts. Until he can admit his naughty liberal fetish, we can't trust Cheney with a weekly column.
7) "Larry Bacow, Uncensored!" by Adele Fleet Bacow - No one needs to know what goes on inside the Gifford House.
6) "Why You're Going to Hell" by Mel Gibson - This column, though full of soulful advice, was rejected on the basis that it was written primarily in Aramaic. Further, its author had a tendency to become violently graphic and was prone to sudden, anti-Semitic outbursts.
5) "Indefinitely Abroad" by Roman Polanski - Roman Polanski's 1977 indictment on various sex charges involving a 13-year-old girl got him exiled from the United States, but winning the Palme d'Or and an Academy Award proved to be child's play for the critically acclaimed director. Unfortunately, his idea for a column in which he retells his visits to middle schools across Europe in search for hot dates was less successful. Better stick to making movies.
4) "This Week in Porn" by Paris Hilton - Although a certain amount of personal experience and insight is important to a column, Paris' accounts were slightly over the top. We also sensed that perhaps this was her attempt to top Britney Spears' photographic genital exposure, and the Daily frankly refuses to be used by Paris to regain the title of trashiest, small-dog-carrying celebrity.
3) "The World of Fat Suit Cinema" by Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy should have stuck to talking animals, because if the American public has to endure another fat suit film after "Norbit" (2007), there might be riots. Yes, it is funny that he can play multiple characters in a film. Yes, it is funny that the characters are abnormally fat - well, it was the first time. If "Nutty Professor II: The Klumps" (2000) wasn't enough of a bust, Eddie's column would have marked his biggest media failure yet.
2) "I Love the 1870s!" by Michael Ian Black - While the invention of the light bulb and telephone are no doubt some of the most influential inventions of all time, Black's witty one-liners on VH1 didn't translate into Daily column style. Besides being a bit outdated, a long, detailed outline of the Franco-Prussian War seemed suspicious, and fact-checking proved that Black had blatantly plagiarized from Wikipedia for the majority of his submissions.
1) "Man, I'm Awkward" by Michael Jackson - Apologies to Neil Padover, but Jacko might actually be more qualified.
-compiled by Daily Arts Staff
