I wish I could call this idea my own. If I were a bit less scrupulous I might try and pass it off as mine, but I cannot tell a lie. Over spring break my uncle and roommate came up with the next evolutionary step in sport's programming, the next channel in ESPN's illustrious lineup. Drum-roll please...
ESPN: The Regular Guy.
This bit of genius was sparked after an intense round of mini golf that took several rounds of extended play to finally declare a winner. Although the young guns team of my roommate and myself finally fell to the geriatric squad of my dad and uncle, and despite the curse words that followed, an idea was born between the two sides. ESPN: The Regular Guy, a channel devoted to showcasing these types of sporting events that go unnoticed and unheralded. This is the type of stuff people are looking to watch from their sport's channel, and let's face it: if it's on TV, people will probably watch it.
Think about it. Rather than watching professional athletes sink the game-winning shot or crush homeruns, feats average guys can only fantasize about, with ESPN: The Regular Guy, now you could be the hero. And forget Lefty and Tiger. Who wouldn't want to see two generations battle for bragging rights over a round of mini golf while viciously quoting "Caddyshack" and "Happy Gilmore?" Happy learned how to putt, uh oh!
Now don't think this would be some shoddy, YouTube.com or "America's Funniest Home Videos" quality programming. We'd go the whole nine yards: HD cameras, professional commentators, crazy graphics, scroll stats, and everyone would be on microphone. So while all we get is a fist pump when Woods sinks a putt, here we'd get a comment about, say, Cougar hunting from my uncle while I try and sink a birdie putt. That's drama and comedy ESPN2 can't touch.
ESPN: The Regular Guy would of course have to be based in just a regular Joe town, like Milwaukee. No suits in the office, just loafers and jeans. This is the channel for the Monday morning quarterback, the amateur's amateur. Competitors would be off the street, straight from the schoolyard, and the only prize would be the sweet reward of victory, and maybe a six-pack.
Think of all the story lines. A son who could never beat a father in basketball finally gets his moment to shine; a sibling caught in the shadow of an older brother or sister is finally able to step into the spotlight. No multimillion contracts or gaudy trophies, just grit and determination to win.
The preliminary lineup of events would cover your basic Regular Guy sports. We'd have the Knockout Championships, the Home Run Wiffle Ball Derby, the 10-year-old Candlepin Bowling Birthday Party Classic, and of course, the Mini Golf Open. Can't you just hear the commentary?
And now the players make their way to the 12th hole. Let's go to Mike who's standing at the green. Mike?
Thanks Tim. The 12th here at Frank's Mini Golf and Go-Kart Park is one of the most treacherous holes of the course. It's got a sharp break to the right that the players will have to take into account, and the treacherous spinning windmill has been the destroyer of dreams for lesser men countless times over. Let's see how they approach their first shot.
Of course there would be the oddball sports as well. How many college guys, bored and desperate to avoid work at any cost, have invented some of the greatest games of all time with some creativity and whatever junk is lying around in the apartment? A college house is like a D.C. think tank for worthless time wasting. Most of these sports go unnoticed, but not anymore thanks to ESPN: The Regular Guy. My own house's hit-the-empty-water-bottle-around-in-a-circle-without-it-falling-on-the-ground would certainly fill a gap that traditional ESPN programming just can't accommodate.
Trash talking and unsportsmanlike behavior are the cornerstones of Regular Guy sports, and it's time a sports channel meets those demands. So move over ESPNews, take a seat, "The Ocho," because ESPN: The Regular Guy is coming to town. The era of the Regular Guy is at hand. And although this wasn't explicitly my idea, I'll happily accept any and all monetary offers. Anyone know what Billy Murray is up to these days? We could use a good commentator.
Andrew Bauld is a senior majoring in English and political science. He can be reached at andrew.bauld@tufts.edu.
