How did I spend my spring break? I did not do the stereotypical MTV Cancun vacation. Nor did I show any altruism and aid the less fortunate or spend some time with the dear old family. Nope. Last week, I found myself smack in the middle of the one and only Walt Disney World (that is, if you don't count Euro Disney, Disney Tokyo and Disneyland). And the best part of this adventure was that my sole company was my favorite person: myself.
How this came about is not really that important and far too complicated to explain in this column. I had journeyed to Orlando and did plan to go to the Happiest Place On Earth with company, but when push came to shove, I was on my own to face armies of screaming children, exhausted parents and Disney "interns" dressed up as Br'er Fox and the guy that Mulan wants to sleep with.
The oddest part is this: I had the time of my life. I highly recommend anyone who has no shame, a healthy sense of post-modern, ironic humor, and a raging ego to spend a day alone in Disney. You will make a lot of interesting observations that would otherwise be prevented by such distractions as conversations and caring about the feelings of others. The rest of this column will be devoted to a few of mine:
1. "It's a Small World" is not a presentation of a wonderfully tolerant utopia. In fact, it may be one of the most racist things I've seen in quite a while. I mean, aside from the fact that every country is presented in the most stereotypical way (and they make the Indians Caucasian for some reason), there is the last room in the ride. You know, the "perfect, happy world." Yeah, try to remember that for a minute. Everything in it is white and everyone sings in English. Need I say more?
2. The huge-ass turkey legs that they sell all over the parks may look appealing in the same way that eating octopus or shark does (i.e., really asserting your place at the top of the food chain). However, eating them shall provide immense pain, nausea and general discomfort that can only be cured by a mild descent into bulimia. If you somehow find yourself at Disney with one in your hand, I advise not eating it. Instead, I suggest that you do the only logical thing: feed it to the ducks. And watch them fight each other over the flesh of their dead cousins. Believe me, it'll save you a lot of suffering, and it's about a billion times more entertaining than the Enchanted Tiki Room.
3. One of the most underrated parts of the Magic Kingdom: it provides a soundtrack to your life. As you move from land to land and the scenery changes, so does the music. It's not something you notice if you're not paying attention, but if you do happen to realize it, the whole sensation becomes pretty special. I personally began to manipulate my emotions and my phone calls to reflect the music of the land I was in. I would think about something to get me really nervous and tense right before the drums of Adventureland kicked in. I would call one of my friends and reminisce about the good ol' days seconds before stepping into the sentimental harmonica of Frontierland. If only Tufts were divided in such a way.
4. Disney employees are paid to be nice to you. Yes, I'm sure you already know that. But sit down for a minute and ruminate upon the implications of that. You can hit on them, say extremely awkward comments to them and generally make every faux-pas ... and all they can do is smile uncomfortably at you in return. Not only does this mean that you are temporarily free from most of the intricacies of our society for a day - it means that you can play the fun game of how far you can push the envelope (and the sanity of the Disney "cast members"). Say really inappropriate things to the security guards. Tell the "Toy Story" Green Army Men that you have always found men in uniform sexy. It's all good.
5. As every six-year-old knows, Epcot is about as fun as distribution requirements (not that a six-year-old knows what distribution requirements are, but you get the idea). That's still true. And I soon realized in my most recent visit that it's really not even as educational as it boasts itself to be, unless you call learning about trolls in Norway unbelievably educational (which I'm sure some professor would make a case for). Of course, Epcot, like an ugly frat boy, tries to make up for its many inadequacies by having copious amounts of liquor available (each country has a variety of drinks to represent its "culture"). Needless to say, unlike their poor kids, the happiest you'll see adults is at Epcot.
6. You know that you have done absolutely everything at Disney World when you find yourself sitting inside the Hall of Presidents. Once you've hit that point, it's probably not a bad idea to call it a day.
That's all that can fit (that's what she said). For more Disney insights, awkwardly confront me while I'm walking around campus, or go and discover the magic for yourself.
