Amidst all the hullabaloo of this season's Boston Red Sox, a lone figure has been nearly forgotten. He has no $52 million contract, his stats are modest and he'll probably never be an All-Star. But in many ways he just may be the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox.
I'm talking, of course, about Douglas Anthony Mirabelli. Number 28. Mr. Red Sox: arguably the greatest baseball player today, nay, in history.
Red Sox fans obviously know the legend of Mirabelli, but his exploits might not be as well known beyond Beantown. For those ignorant of Mr. Mirabelli, you should go and read the classic work "A Day in the Life of Doug Mirabelli," a fine document that allows everyday fans an inside look into the machinations of one of baseball's greatest. From his morning routine of urinating on his hands for 90 seconds to his traditional 35 cuts with a bat while standing naked in front of a mirror screaming, "Dougie is going deep tonight," it is a fascinating glimpse into the man's psyche.
Through it we learn of his eternal struggle with Nomar "Mr. Hamm" Garciaparra, who, according to Mirabelli, may or may not have homosexual leanings. We discover that manager Terry Francona unjustly refuses to bat Mirabelli cleanup. And we bear witness to his deep friendship with Tim Wakefield, Doug's personal pitcher.
But there is so much more to the man whose surface this groundbreaking research barely scratches. His is truly an astounding life. For example, did you know ...
Doug Mirabelli invented the dish Chicken Parmesan?
Doug Mirabelli is credited with naming the band Led Zeppelin?
Doug Mirabelli uses a woman's softball catcher's mitt to catch Wakefield? The glove's name is Dolores, and the two were legally married in 1989 before the union ended in annulment. They remain friends to this day.
Doug Mirabelli's beard naturally grows only in the shape of a goatee? It is considered the only perfect goatee in human history.
Doug Mirabelli uses only one sign while catching: the middle finger?
Doug Mirabelli is actually responsible for the Black Sox Scandal of 1919? He also gave "Shoeless" Joe Jackson his nickname after stealing Jackson's shoes.
Doug Mirabelli bats and throws right-handed? Unbeknownst to most, he is left- handed but believes the game would become boring if he played lefty.
The book and movie "The Natural" (1984) is actually the biography of Doug Mirabelli?
Doug Mirabelli once won his fantasy baseball league after drafting only himself and Tim Wakefield?
Doug Mirabelli and Batman have never been seen in the same room together at the same time? There has been much speculation over this fact.
Every year a small tribe of aboriginals makes a pilgrimage to touch Doug Mirabelli's jockstrap, which is considered to have restorative properties?
Each off-season Doug Mirabelli rides the rails across the United States as a hobo under the alias of Left Eye Hubert? He participates in tramp wrestling to remain in shape. He is undefeated.
Before meeting Doug Mirabelli, the five guys on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" were actually straight?
Doug Mirabelli once caught a Randy Johnson fastball with his bare hand, while at bat, and told the pitcher he "could throw harder"?
Doug Mirabelli is responsible for the series "Girls Gone Wild"?
Legend has it Ken Burns directed a never-before-seen "10th Inning" of his "Baseball" (1994) documentary that solely follows the career of Doug Mirabelli?
Doug Mirabelli was the inspiration for both "The Great Gatsby" and "The Old Man and the Sea"?
Doug Mirabelli has never sneezed?
Doug Mirabelli does not fear fear; fear fears Doug Mirabelli?
There are two things you do not stare directly at: the sun and Doug Mirabelli?
Oh, the life of Doug Mirabelli! It's an amazing tale, almost too amazing to be true. But as a great man once said, "Life sometimes can be stranger than fiction." And do you know who that great man was? Chuck Norris or Grady Little, I think. Or maybe Brian Daubach, I can't quite remember.
Oh, wait, no. It was Doug Mirabelli.
Andrew Bauld is a senior majoring in English and political science. He can be reached at andrew.bauld@tufts.edu.
