In writing this semester, a few people have approached me about the title of the column: "Wealth and Hellness." They say they get the hellness, but where's the wealth? Shouldn't I be discussing financial issues?
To these people I reply: Are you kidding? You're asking for financial advice from an English major? Come on, people, it's a play on words. I can't tell you the first thing about accruing wealth.
And I can't even pretend to have any idea, although I've often thought of printing counterfeit "Oprah's Book Club" stickers if I ever get around to publishing that novel. My plans for financial security include such lofty goals as not living in a box and not starving.
But fine. You asked for it (and by you, I mean that one kid on the Joey, who was probably just a well-intentioned reader striking up a conversation). You deserve to be subjected to my unfounded advice and maybe you even deserve to follow it.
Lesson Number One: Find money.
Inheriting money can be messy, as most episodes of "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" have taught me. And earning money is too hard. It takes effort and precious time. And since time is money, wasting time is simply a poor investment.
Careers are tough, too. MonsterTrak.com is absolutely absurd with all its postings for "15-hour work weeks" and "at least one year of experience required." In most cases, you even have to have a degree.
A degree, you say? Sounds easy! But if you go through all four years of hard work, you aren't guaranteed anything. Job offers do not grow on trees and your degree might turn out to be a lazy old piece of paper that just sits in a frame, hardly pulling any weight at all in the real world.
Instead, invest in a metal detector and spend your days combing streets, parks and private property for buried caches of Sacagawea dollars. It's going to take up a lot of time, but don't worry, it will help you with the next tenet of my money making philosophy.
Lesson Number Two: Don't spend money.
As Lesson Number One will have taught you, your hard-earned cash can be hard to come by. So make it easy on yourself and never spend anything. If you have no expenditures, then you will have no bills. But you will have dollar bills.
You might object - "Hey, Tufts costs a lot of money; am I just supposed to drop out?" Of course not dummy, just get a scholarship or find relatives that work on campus. No relatives on campus? Marry into somebody's family. Also, I think that's a tax deduction.
Lesson Number Three: Have rich friends.
Object to my last suggestion? That's reasonable; some complain of the immorality behind the desire to "marry rich." Indeed, it is despicable to want to live your life in undeserved comfort by being a trophy spouse.
It's a slippery slope to a hellish excuse for domesticity - from afternoon lunches and Botox peels to the insipid world of bonbon binges and pool boy trysts (again, NBC programming tells me so).
Instead, reap the benefits without the commitment and simply have rich friends. They can take you out so you can eat like royalty. And they'll shower you with expensive rich people gifts, expecting you'll return the favor someday.
And here's the trick - don't ever return the favor. How are you supposed to keep up with all those expensive gifts like cork removers and doggie treadmills? That would be a violation of Lesson Number Two.
Added bonus: you'll be so busy running away to escape their angry complaints that you'll burn off all the fat from the cr??me brul?©es they treated you to at Chez Calorie.
Lesson Number Four: Learn the Value of Product Placement
I would never deign to name drop veritable commercials in my own work and compromise my artistic integrity. And anyway, not everyone writes columns for Tufts or, say, the nice people at Rolling Stone. But you do wear clothes, like Armani and Gucci, and can advertise using yourself as a human billboard.
Perhaps you could use the hood of your BMW to advertise for the iPhone. And it wouldn't hurt to get a few Ben & Jerry's t-shirts to rotate with your Jelly Belly and Ferrero Rocher gear.
I hope all this economic advice works to your advantage. If some day you meet with success, or perhaps just a windfall, remember all the wisdom I've presented to you. Or maybe don't. In any case, share the wealth.
Kate Peck is a junior majoring in English. She can be reached at Katherine.Peck@tufts.edu.
