I'm sitting in my grandparents' living room, having just been force-fed a boxful of cookies and a magnum of milk. Scanning through the channels hopelessly, I suddenly come to the realization that when you want to find something good on TV, little demons of irony fly up into the room and mess with the cable box so that nothing works except basic cable. Conversely, when you have absolutely zero time to watch TV, the movie you've been dying to see is on.
In any case, basic cable is always a letdown. I catch a glimpse of "Deal or No Deal" and yell at the contestant, "Take the money and run, you sucker! When else in your life are you going to just stumble across $92,000? You're bound to end your life penniless and alone, you fool!" I then resume my usual position, scrolling through the 13 channels, when I hear that familiar haunting music, the deep, conniving voice of the narrator: "Cold Case Files."
If you've ever watched this show, or "Unsolved Mysteries," "Suburban Secrets," "The Investigators," "Masterminds," "Forensic Files," "Psychic Detective" or "48 Hours," you know what I'm getting at. In addition to the money-winning, booby-showing, hedonistic love-fest today's television tends to favor, there's also a darker side: the side that wants to scare the panties right off of you.
If you haven't had the pleasure of making their acquaintances, allow me to outline the basic premises. First, a scenario is demarcated, seemingly run -of-the-mill and business-as-usual:
Seventeen-year-old Linda Lou left her house at the usual time on Monday, Dec. 13, 1972. She had a great day at school, and was pleased to hear that her friend, Mary Ellen, was not pregnant.
Next, the subject takes a slight detour.
On her way home from school, Linda felt a little thirsty. She knew she had to make it home in time to take her brother to baseball practice, but figured she had enough time to stop at 7-Eleven for a cooling refreshment.
At this point, you know something bad is in the works, and you commence the guesswork. Could it be Mary Ellen's loser ex-boyfriend? Or Mary Lou's, for that matter?
Waiting in line for the cashier, Linda was approached by an older man for change. "Excuse me, Miss," says the terrible actor in the reenactment, "do you have change for a 10?"
"Nope, sorry..." Linda replies with mild disappointment. Linda pays for her drink, and makes her way out of the convenience store, shaking her scantily clad booty as she exits.
Now you know the story - Linda will be abducted, killed and never seen again. Then, sure enough ....
Linda was just outside of the parking lot, walking down the wooded highway that leads to her house. It was a path she had walked many times before, and she knew that her little brother was waiting to be taken to baseball practice just around the corner.
Linda heard footsteps coming up quickly behind her, and turned to realize it was the man from the store. He grabbed her from behind, dragged her in the woods, and threw her into his van. Her little brother never did make it to little league. She was never heard from again.
First of all, let me make a statement. A fashion statement. Regardless of the fact that this kind of tragedy could "happen to anyone," it's probably more likely to happen to you if you're walking down lonely wooded highways alone in your favorite Daisy Dukes.
Sometimes, I see girls walking around Tufts at 3 or 4 a.m., wearing what appears to be a loincloth and a bikini. Girls, take this as a public service announcement. Aside from the fact that it's far from 100 degrees outside, if you don't want to die, don't dress like you're looking for trouble.
The fatalistic nature of these shows, coupled with their ability to show you that the victim could be you, is enough to keep you from watching television for the rest of your life. What's more: most of them love to leave you hanging - to tell you that the killer is still "on the run," having maimed or killed several dozen other women. Thanks.
Why aren't the victims ever men? Or people of color? What is this fascination with the hometown girl next door who gets abducted and never sees her family ever again? I always turn the TV off, feeling targeted.
The moral of these shows is usually to just never leave your house and to watch same program for the rest of your life so you can be totally aware of the tactics sickos use to prey on young women.
Or, you can just ignore the whole thing. Just don't go for any middle-of-the-night jogs dressed like Carmen Electra, and you should really be okay.
