I'm terrified for the NBA Lottery. Scared out of my mind. Despite my excitement about the start of the Red Sox season and Notre Dame's spring practice, I'm absolutely petrified of a numbered ping-pong ball.
A ping-pong ball! Think about what it is: a tiny, plastic ball no heavier than an ounce, which also happens to control the fate of my favorite NBA franchise. Sometimes I wish this were the NFL, and the worst team simply got the number one pick.
In case you don't know by now, I'm a Celtics fan who missed out on the glory days of Bird, Parrish and McHale. All I've known during the roughly 10 years I've followed the team are the miserable Pitino days, the mediocre Jim O'Brien ones, and the Doc Rivers era, which really hasn't impressed me so far.
So you have to understand my skepticism when it comes to the possibility of the C's drafting someone other than Oden or Durant. The Celtics closed out the season with a record of 24-58, second only to Memphis' 22-60 (I still can't believe more losses gets you "first" place ...). According to the rules of the lottery, this means that we have a 20 percent chance of landing the number one pick, and a 25 percent chance of getting the number two pick. And no, that doesn't mean (as I thought) that we have a 45 percent chance of getting one of the first two picks. Apparently math doesn't work that way.
So what are the Celtics' other options if they don't land picks one or two? It's not pretty. There's Al Horford, the 6'9" power forward from Florida, who was overshadowed by his teammate, Joakim Noah, for the past three years. Still, according to ESPN, Horford "is a big-time shot blocker and rebounder, and uses his combination of strength and quickness to dominate in the paint." With no disrespect to Chad Ford, Horford sounds exactly like a two-inch taller version of Ryan Gomes. Hustle, good rebounding instincts and overall basketball IQ, strength ... all things that Gomes possesses. And if there's anything that last season has taught us, it's that Gomes isn't quite ready to be anointed a perennial All-Star just yet. In fact, he's most likely going to be a solid player off the bench for the rest of his career. So let's scratch Horford.
Perhaps you prefer North Carolina's Brandan Wright? It's hard to pass up on an athletic, 6-10 power forward with the talent that Wright has - especially since he's also only a freshman. Still, I have two words for you: Marvin. Williams. I saw Williams play in person earlier this season. Other than the fact that he has the longest legs I've ever seen, there was very little of note that I could say about his play. Ask yourself a question: do the Celtics really need another long-term project, another player with worlds of talent but not enough experience to cut it in The League? No. No. Again, No.
Since we already have two quick point guards who can't shoot (hell, Telfair can't even pass, and when I think about the fact that the C's could have Brandon Roy right now, I get violent), let's also scratch Ohio State's Mike Conley Jr. and Texas A&M's Acie Law from consideration.
This brings us to my favorite player from last year's basketball season, the player who feels that it's necessary to scream after every routine lay-up and dunk. I'm speaking of course, of Joakim Noah. Let me be frank: if the Celtics draft Noah and try to make the argument that he and Al Jefferson are the front line that will take us to a title, I will never watch a Celtics game again. I mean it. If Danny Ainge is indeed that stupid, I'll just quit watching. The C's will be dead to me, and no prodigal son that stupid will ever find its way back into my heart.
If it were up to me, I'd draft Washington's Spencer Hawes. He's also only a freshman, he's a seven-footer, and he's got a really advanced offensive game. He'd also be a much better complementary player to Jefferson, because he's good enough offensively to keep teams from doubling Al and leaving Hawes open.
Look, regardless of who we draft, I'm sure that Doc Rivers will find some way to bury him on the bench for the first half of the season. I've got to say, I'm really looking forward to another season of sloppy fourth-quarter play, blown leads, the inability to defend the high screen and all of the other wonderful things that come with Doc's "charisma."
I'm bitter. I need to end this column before I say something I'm going to regret. God, I hate the draft.
