This is awkward. I was all set to end my column on April 25. I had the clever theme of series finales, made a sly reference to "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," and took my bow.
Then my editor told me I had to write a commencement column. So consider this my not-so-long awaited sequel. Hopefully it will be more in the vein of "X2: X-Men United" (2003) and less in the vein of "X-Men: The Last Stand" (2006). And what better topic for a sequel column than looking at all the sequels coming out this summer? And before we go on: Yes, if you count my Disney article from April 18, this is my second sequel article. Let's all bask in the irony. Done? Good. Without further ado...
"Spider-Man 3" - I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this is probably the most hyped film of the summer. Naturally then, like a great Greek tragic hero, everyone is probably just as interested to see it fail as they are to see it kick some box-office behind (but with a $151 million opening weekend, it looks like the schadenfreude will have to wait).
As for me, I feel conflicted. You see, this movie looks like it could be headed for the same pitfall as "X3": too much story for one movie. We have the black costume, Sandman, the new Goblin, the marriage of Peter and Mary Jane, the possibility of a Gwen Stacy love triangle (as well as the possibility of her dying ... because that tends to happen a lot to Gwen in Spidey mythos), and, oh, this minor character called Venom. And, hopefully, there will be some surprises along the way.
Now, I'm not saying that the marriage or Sandman could make up their own films, but this does seem like an awful lot to squeeze into 140 minutes. However, unlike "X3," "Spider-Man 3" is in the same hands as the first two were, so there's hope. And if they can pull this whole shebang off, I'll be happily impressed.
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" - May I just say that I already know the reaction to this film? Critics will be lukewarm to it (2.5 stars, B-, etc.) and fans will exit the theaters complaining about how they left out so many parts because God forbid you can't fit everything from a 800-page book into a two and a half hour movie. That being said, the film will still do disgustingly well, and "Half-Blood Prince" is already in the works.
"Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" - Okay, I'm going to make a confession: I haven't seen any of the "Pirates" movies (well, except that porno). I never had the interest, then the hype came, and by the time they had put Jack Sparrow into the ride at Disney World (where all mentions of his name are as awkward as when censors dub out the curses in a televised Tarantino film). I had a moral objection to it. So yeah, I can't really weigh in on this film. But seeing as it will gross enough money to feed a third-world country for a decade, I felt I should at least address it somehow.
"Evan Almighty" - I had completely and thankfully forgotten about "Bruce Almighty" (2003). I had also forgotten that the film was indeed successful. That being said, I'm still pretty damn surprised that Universal decided to milk this baby after four years and without the original star, Jim Carrey. Now, I may love Steve Carrell on "The Office," but there is no way in Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, Mount Olympus or Valhalla that this movie will be anything but painful.
"Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" - Yet another conflict in thought over a Marvel Comics movie. On one hand, Fantastic Four (2005) was torturous and terrible, defecating upon the rich history of the comics. On the other hand, seriously, this movie has nowhere to go but up. We don't have to worry about its risk of being like the "Matrix" sequels or "Star Wars" prequels for ruining a good thing. The first movie already did all the damage it could. Now we have the lovely situation of either watching this film redeem the franchise or just laughing as Jessica Alba shakes her boobs and tries to act.
"Shrek the Third" - I feel like this is the sequel that I have the least to speculate about. It's not going to outshine the original, nor will it pale in comparison. It will be a fun, clever family movie that everyone can enjoy on different levels, and then it will take home the "Best Animated Feature" Oscar months later. End of story.
And so, my older, graduating Jumbos, as you go on to jobs, grad/law/med school, and/or unemployment, I wish you the best of luck in your theatergoing experience. May all the sequels you see not suck and may your popcorn be crunchy and flavorful.
Devin Toohey is a sophomore majoring in classics and English. He can be reached at Devin.Toohey@tufts.edu.
